Wednesday - Waaaah!

Here it is, Wednesday again.

I had to leave work yesterday after an asthma attack that started after an incident. I couldn't stop coughing and that led to wheezing which led to more coughing. I had to sit in the back of a classroom group and cough and cough. I felt like I wasn't able to do what I needed to do, so I used up 4 of my sick time hours to get home for my new asthma medication. I am on it now, but I am not entirely happy about it. I have a real problem with some sorts of medications - and this is one of them. I don't know why I don't like this type of medication, but I don't like it at all. I think this one has something to do with the attitude of the doctor who gave it to me...

Anyway...

I head back into my part-time job tonight after my full-time job. I will be teaching Sunday School before the church service and leading the choir in some singing. My choir has shrunk significantly in the past three years. We are now a quartet most weeks as my choir members have aged and opted not to continue. There aren't many people younger than me who want to sing in church. There aren't many people younger than me in our church. Most of the Sunday School kids are dropped off by their parents who use the time as babysitting time. They don't come to church. It is an interesting situation how the attitude towards church has changed in my lifetime and how that had changed from when my parents were young. I am not bemoaning the situation, I am just noting that things change.

Today is the day that I have the most groups to lead of all my work days. I get to lead three groups and one push-in group. I get to supervise three groups and a reward session. I am moving out of the group area and towards my office to complete the process of handing over authority to the intern. It will be a busy day, but I am hoping that it will be a good one. We will see.

Yesterday, one of my clients engaged in an aggressive incident that meant I had to initiate an assist. That made my difficulty breathing from earlier turn into a full-blown asthma attack. We will be seeing that client again today. I am hoping that my medications will work and the client's attitude is less aggressive today. The incident stemmed from a request to use hand sanitizer. It was not something initiated by the music therapist and was brought in by the staff and the client from another setting - it just erupted in the music therapy room.

I choose to work with these types of clients. There are times when I wonder why I choose to work with clients who can become aggressive at any moment - I know my Dad wondered that often. Most of the situations that occur in the music therapy room are not caused by music therapy situations, but some of them are. I have learned to take responsibility when things are my fault, but to also remember that I am not the center of anyone's universe (but my own), so I am not responsible for every choice that every other person around me makes. I can only control me and my own reactions - that is all. I can give others tools to help them be safe and calm, but I cannot force anyone to use those tools or to react to me in ways that I want them to react.

It is all too easy to slip into self-criticism when situations occur in the music therapy room. They do not happen often, but when they do, they are usually pretty upsetting to me. It is easy to start blaming myself, and that is when the goblins arrive to play. "I should have..." "If I could have done this..." "If only I would..." These types of thoughts are not productive. They focus on things in the past and just make me feel bad about decisions made in the moment. It is difficult to shift my thought patterns, but after decades of practicing, I am able to do just that. I can shift away from the self-recrimination and into some self-analysis with less angst included.

I will do some processing later about this - not here. Never here.

It is time to start getting ready for my day. After leaving yesterday, I am actually looking forward to my groups today - that's a nice change for a Wednesday. It is time to get moving. Enjoy your day, whatever it brings to you.