Wednesday: Why I Dread It So - For the Moment, Anyway...

Today is our busiest day, We have six groups and one dyad session to get through before the end of the day, and then we have a meeting with our pod to finish things up. After that, I have choir practice and worship planning to do before I can crawl home to set out my trash cans and then stumble into bed. At least Thursday morning can be a later morning since I can't take my meds until later which means the side effects don't wear off until later...

Wednesdays are one of the days that I leave for myself to go wherever my brain takes me. I am still waiting to hear about the other job opportunity that I applied for recently. I want to know the results, and I am not all that keen on waiting without any sort of information from the potential employers at all. The job was supposed to start a week ago, and there has been no announcement made at all about anything. I hate the not knowing and the lack of information. Ugh. This is one of the things that frustrates me more than anything else - not having all information available.

Add to those feelings of frustrations and my own Wednesday dread, I am currently feeling very anxious about work this morning. It all stems from one particular client - one who will probably not be present for the session since the client is having some other issues that are not at all related to music therapy but where music therapy seems to be what the client blames everything on - an intense hatred of all things music therapy. I am trying to give up trying to problem solve it all but it continues to gnaw on the edges of my mind.

I like being liked. I enjoy it when clients seem happy to be in music therapy sessions. I like being a good element of their day. I don't like not being liked. The times when I am most trepidatious about upcoming sessions is when I face open hostility from a client. I try not to care, but I still care every single time and every single client.

I do not have the ability to select which clients I treat in my job. All clients have to come to music therapy for 60 minutes per week whether it is indicated or contraindicated for their mental health and development. So, they sit there, actively hating every single thing I do, and I sit there, trying every little trick I know to coax them into interaction. I don't stress about the students who love music therapy - they are easy to work with and give me joy. It's the ones that don't ever like me that haunt me. 

Now, if I had a different type of service delivery model to work within, it would be easier. If I was unable to make a meaningful connection with a prospective client, I would refer that client to another therapist. In my model, however, I have no say or choice in what clients come to my sessions. I do not even have a say in who they come with. I have to take them with the peers that they are assigned. I do not have the ability to group clients with similar goals together. I just have to provide therapy for the groups of humans that arrive in a schedule that I do not get to have any say on. All of these things are frustrating to me, but that is part of the job, so I keep moving forward.

I don't know if some of my Wednesday dread comes from it being the longest day of my work week. I don't know if I would feel better if this particular client was not part of things or if my Wednesdays would still be the same bundle of nerves and dread. I don't know.

I do know that I have always had a session that I did not look forward to over the years. Most of these dreaded sessions included someone who actively hated me. Believe me, I know, because they told me over and over again how much they hated me.

Okay.

So, today is Wednesday. I have a bunch of sessions to lead and observe. I have more sessions than any other day. I am tired already, and I am still a bit scattered as far as time is concerned. I was convinced that tomorrow is payday while I was in the shower - I still have two days and so much to go through before Friday arrives. Wednesday's events, an interview/audition tomorrow, and then Friday...which actually is payday. We have a three-day weekend upcoming - a Monday off which makes the rest of the week seem so very long. I am not a fan of Mondays off. Give me a Friday off any week over a Monday holiday.

I will use my mantra as I am starting to get myself put together for the day. I will also relax in the knowledge that this day will pass and be what it will be. I can only control how I respond - I cannot control how others respond to me. I just have to make my own decisions.

This is not helping me feel any better... Time to get ready to go to work, I guess.

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