Politics, Safety, and Fear This Morning

I am going to do something that I rarely do on this blog. I am going to talk about politics, safety, and fear.

I do not like delving into politics (especially) in any public forum because I feel that my opinions about political figures and systems are private and not open to argument, but I've been crying all morning about the school shootings in Uvalde, Texas, and I need to process all of these emotions in a way that will help me sort through my thoughts.

I am scared.

I am mourning.

I am angry.

My sister is heading to her school this morning for the last two days of her school year. It is a tradition that the local fire station comes over, gives the kids a discussion about fire safety, and then squirts the kids with the trucks. I am scared that she will be standing outside with her students. I am scared that she will have to be huddled in her classroom. I am scared that she will have to protect the students in her school in a way that might take her from my family. I am more scared for her than I am for my own role as a school music therapist.

I am angry that there have been 27 school shootings this year. Twenty-seven people who have had access to guns, who have had access to school buildings, and who have chosen to shoot children. I am angry that there is no way to keep people from making these choices. I am angry that we act in a reactive manner rather than a proactive manner by making access to guns more difficult. I am angry that we have to lock kids down in a place where they should be safe because we never know who is going to walk through the front door and take them away from us.

I am so very sad about the lives lost and forever altered in Uvalde, in Cleveland, in North Charleston, in Goshen, in Tacoma, in Kissimmee, in Highland, in New Orleans, in Chicago, in Philadelphia, in Palo Alto, in Laguna Woods, in Winston-Salem, in Elizabeth City, in Houston, in Amarillo, and in Buffalo. These are the shootings that have happened in the past eleven days according to the website, Gun Violence Archive (link is below). There is nothing that can replace the people lost. Ever. There is nothing that can replace the feeling of threat that will become part of the lives of all who are involved or even remotely touched by these tragedies. These senseless events that rip the sense of security from everyone because of the choices made by people with access to guns.

What is the answer? Egad! I have no idea. I do not have a gun. I do not ever want a gun. I have family members who gloat that they have guns and "aren't afraid to use them." The thought of having such a weapon near children and pets and psychotic family members scares me to my core. The family members who have these weapons also have close family members with psychiatric diagnoses that include impaired judgement. This indicates an increased risk of serious incidence to me. Why would you have a gun available around a person who has active hallucinations of government tracking and persecution? Why would you have a gun available to a person with a severe untreated substance addiction? Would you be able to shoot your child if they were in the middle of an episode of their mental health concerns? Would you feel responsible if your adult child took your gun and hurt others with it? This just makes me so angry.

Have you heard that teachers are resigning in record numbers? I am sure that this type of situation has come into play. I know that I am seriously reconsidering my decision to remain at my job (one that I love, by the way) until I can reach retirement age and get access to my pension. My school district has eliminated teaching positions due to lack of funding. That means more children under the supervision of one adult. That means more children to protect and to shield during drills of all kinds - tornado, earthquake, fire, active shooter. That means more people yelling about how horrible it is that the people that we task to educate and shield our children actually have their own opinions about things. Being a teacher is not an easy job to begin with, but situations such as these make it unbearable at times. 

It is not enough to tell me that I have to be dedicated to the children in my care without some evidence that others are dedicated to caring for me and my needs.

I have nightmares at times about situations with my students where I am tasked with protecting them and can't do it. Usually, I am not able to protect them because they do not listen to me or because they make unsafe choices. I am sure that these types of dreams are influenced by reports of school violence and the danger that is part of being in a school.

I have had to be present in one active shooter training in my time at my facility. I had to avoid being part of the actual drill because I was having some severe anxiety responses and reactions. I sat in my office and cried during the entire day of the drill. I refused to be part of the running around the hallways with co-workers who were treating the entire thing as a joke. I know that I would do anything and everything that I could do to protect the children in my care, even if the threat came from within my facility. I know, without a doubt, that my sister would give her life to protect her second graders and that fact scares me.

I want to know what I can do. Right here. Right now. What can I do that will make a difference in all of this? I already vote. Many times, my votes are not relevant due to the state where I live and the fact that I am in the minority with my views. I already use my badge to gain access to my facility. I do not allow people to come in behind me. I am scared about the fact that our receptionist sits in an unlocked lobby. Fortunately, it is difficult to gain access to the school part of our facility, but it is not impossible. I do not think that many of the windows would withstand the force of a bullet. My music therapy room has little to no protection. I cannot lock the door to my music therapy clinic. My office space can be locked, but the doors are flimsy and could be easily opened from the outside with one shot at the lock. There would be no way to keep kids safe in my environment, and that scares me to my core. What can I do? Letters to my representatives in our governmental agencies do little to no good. Do protests work? I haven't seen any proof that my elected representatives care anything at all about what everyday people want. 

I am mourning today for the families who are forever changed by the choice of one man who decided that killing kids was something he needed to do. I am mourning the fact that schools are never a safe space for kids, even with teachers who love those kids with every beat of their hearts and who would sacrifice themselves before allowing someone to hurt their students. I am mourning the fact that great teachers will leave the profession because they cannot be part of a system that allows this to happen again and again and again. I am mourning.

I am scared.

I am angry.

 

 

https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/reports/mass-shooting