Not What I'm Reading...What Is Going On???

It has been a week since I felt motivated at all to sit down and write. There has been lots happening in my life that have spiraled out of control lately, so it has been a difficult week on many levels. Please indulge me as I deviate from my planned post to a catch up type of post as I am trying really hard to figure some things out and move forward in a vastly changed and constantly changing world.

This post contains some discussion about grief and loss, so if these topics are not something you feel equipped to go through right now, please do not hesitate to stop reading and leave this place at any time. I am finding that these topics are difficult for me to experience vicariously at the moment, but I am living some of this, so it is something that I need to write about.

Last Sunday afternoon, my Aunt called me to tell me that my cousin had been found, deceased. My cousin had left her home where she lived with her parents, two weeks before and was not responding to phone calls, texts, or any attempts at contact. She was an alcoholic and was in a pattern of binge drinking and left in anger. Apparently she left, found some more alcohol, and then drank until she died. Her body had been found. My Aunt, who is my Dad's twin sister, alternated between spooky emotionless speech and hysterical screaming while she was on the phone with me. I called my mother and sister immediately after and we continued to talk to my Aunt for the rest of the day.

In this past week, my mother has spoken to my Aunt almost every day. My other cousin went down to spend the week with his parents. He is leaving today to get back to his family and back to work. My Aunt and Uncle aren't speaking to each other much at the moment, and we anticipate more connections once my cousin heads back to his home.

My mother has had to support my Aunt and talk to her about this loss. Mom has been trying to be supportive from a country width away. My Aunt tends to blame herself for the death of the loved ones in her life. She is full of magical thinking which includes feeling like she would have saved my father from death if she had just made her first plane rather than missing it. There are many examples of this type of thinking in her life - right now she is blaming herself for the death of my cousin. No amount of discussion is changing her mind.

All of this mourning and grief has caused my family members to end up in various states of our own grief processes again. We are navigating many emotions, trying to figure out plans, and engaging in so much that it seems to be pushing down on us. I was writing about each one of our responses, but that seemed a bit too personal to be talking about my family members on this blog, so let me focus on what I am finding in my own grief process.

My week has been complicated by COVID-19 exposures at work, stubborn folks who refuse to wear masks, crying all the time because that's my grief response - crying. I have been able to keep my tears to a minimum at work, but my commutes to and from work have been complicated by jags of hysterical crying. I have also been extremely tired and have not wanted to get up in the mornings. That's why I haven't been blogging. I finally started to draw again yesterday. I made a mandala drawing. Here it is.

This has been my focusing tool lately. I start with my circle tracer and trace out circles and diameter lines to indicate all of the different places where I can set up patterns. I always start from the inside, the center, when I am drawing. Now, I am not someone who has any training in what mandalas are, mean, or signify, but I have some interesting trends to mine. Like I said, I always start from the center and work my way out. I prefer patterns with lots of white spaces. I have made several of these this past month, and the ones that I like the best are the ones that have lots of white empty spaces. Every part of every inner circle is as regimented and similar as I can make it. I like the structure and control that is required to complete these types of mandalas. I want to have that sort of structure and control in my own life. It is something that I am missing these days.

My grief process includes strong outbursts of emotion and the need for structure during times when I cannot control things happening. These past months - almost too many to count now - have made me long for this type of control over and over again. It is not possible due to the larger constructs that are happening these days. In addition, my own time has been complicated with major life events that affect my family and me and have nothing to do with the worldwide global pandemic. 

The pandemic has complicated these events more than it would have three years ago, but these events would not have been easy to go through at any time. My family has not been able to mourn in our typical ceremonies because we cannot gather in the same way. My father did not want a big funeral, so we have honored his wishes. We haven't had any sort of memorial or ceremony at all. My Aunt's plans for a funeral for my cousin was complicated by many situations, so she cannot do a viewing and an open casket funeral (which is her tradition for funerals). We have vague talk about a memorial service either next month or the month after. I am not sure if this lack of ceremony is a good thing for me or not. 

My grief has manifested this week in crying jags, in being frustrated with my work situations, with trying to absorb the grief of others without letting it consume me, with a lack of creative impulses, and with lots of small irritations that were not irritations last week but surely are this week. I am trying to remember that most of my reactions are grief based and not the fault of others. I am navigating my responses with both my rational and emotional minds - mostly simultaneously. There are times when my emotional mind takes over - that's when I cry, when I sleep, when I try my best to keep things together because I need to save my sick and personal time for when I leave for the memorial for my cousin. I have to postpone my bereavement for a time when it will be appropriate, but I also have to work through my grief to continue to function. All of this while still mourning the death of my father and my cat - so much has happened in nine months.

I am tired.

I am frustrated.

I am overwhelmed by situations that have nothing to do with one another.

But...

I am strong.

I am resilient.

I will navigate these rough waters until I feel at home again.

To end on a positive note, it seems that the housing market is starting to cool down in my area, so I may be able to find something that doesn't have upteen billion offers on it!