What A Difference a Day Makes

Yesterday, I sat down and wrote a long post about how I was feeling depressed and burned out completely with even the thought of having to work. I didn't publish it because there are times when my writing is just too raw for me to share. I left my home under a waning moon and drove to work. During my drive, I had a grief moment overtake me, so I was sobbing about the last Christmas and how my Dad cried when I gave him some computer speakers (because he knew he was dying and I think he realized he would never get to use those speakers), and it overwhelmed me. It still does as I am sitting here crying as well. I am not sleeping well and everything just seems to pile up until I can't move.

Then I got to work. I slogged through my documentation for five groups and the individual session that I did on Tuesday, prepared myself for my two groups of leading and the three groups that my intern is currently taking over (but hasn't completely moved into leadership so I still have to act as therapist for a portion), and oversaw the first two groups of the morning. After that, I had about two hours before the next session started (I hate my schedule, but it will change to something more like what I would do for myself if I had the power on June 3, so I can do the last 16 days of this horrendous format without complaining...well, too much). I sat down to compile my task list in my work bullet journal.

I had a revelation about how I am feeling and the possibilities about why work is so difficult right now.

Now, I tend to look at myself before anything else. I always have and always will, but I had a bit of an epiphany about this process yesterday when I was despairing and feeling depressed and not liking my job at all and wondering how long I could live on my current savings and giving up my dream of buying a house and all that. When I am feeling down, I automatically tell myself that it is because of something to do with me - an imbalance, lack of self-care, etc.

So, the epiphany came in a flash.

I am a highly sensitive person. This is a genetic tendency that means that my body responds to stimuli by producing more specific hormones than about 80% of other humans. This is something that can be more clearly understood through the writings of Dr. Elaine Aron and others. Find more about this condition here. I have always been a highly sensitive person but have only just found out why I seem to feel things differently than other people.

I am also an empath. Now, I say that, but I really think that most successful therapists are empaths. We tend to feel things about people - their feelings, their stresses, all of that - and we can work within those feelings to affect change. (If you want to know if you are an empath, there are TONS of online tests that you can take. I do not recommend any of them because most of them seem a bit spammy, in my opinion). 

So, not only do I feel much of what others feel, but I also tend to respond to those feelings by producing additional hormones which throw my brain into specific responses based on those feelings.

Basically, I am an emotional sponge.

My revelation to myself yesterday (and I need to copy out this post and keep it in my office to refer to when I get like this...which I have been doing over and over again this year especially) is that many of the emotions that I have been carrying around with me may not be my own. I still love working with my clients. I enjoy most of my interactions with most of those clients (there are a few that are on my last nerve, but that's part of being human). I still love making music for others and with others and for myself. There are things about my job, however, that are frustrating and causing many of the emotions that I am feeling right now.

The current situation at work is one that we have been in for the entire pandemic now. We have a lack of staff members to accommodate our school expectations. No class is exempt from these situations. People are leaving, new staff are coming in, there is little to no consistency, and there has been no consistency since March 13, 2020. Teaching staff are constantly having to train new staff members to do their jobs while still trying to figure out how to teach students who are not really back into the routine of full-time school after almost a year with little to no consistency. Administrators are still working primarily from home, so they have little to no presence in the school. Teachers are feeling abandoned by administration staff but are still being told that we have to complete all the things that we strive to provide with less staff and no support. Students are stressed because there is no routine. New staff mean that students have to establish boundaries again, They don't know if new people understand what they need to feel safe. Throw in the fact that I am transitioning music therapy services to an intern who is also "new" to my clients, music therapy is no longer the haven of consistency that it has been lately. No wonder my clients are testing us all. None of us know what will happen to us in the next week, much less the rest of the future.

So, work is a quagmire of emotions, instabilities, and boundary-testing humans. It is no mystery about why I am drained of energy at the end of 9 hours. Well, it is no longer a mystery to me after yesterday. It is ridiculous how much time it took for me to put these two characteristics together to help me focus a bit more on others than on myself. No judgement, though. I made it to a place where I need to be.

There was something that fell off my shoulders once I remembered that I am highly sensitive and an empath. Perhaps I cannot own every one of the emotions that I am feeling these days. Maybe some of the feelings I am holding can just be released into the ether and not be held onto so tightly. I then engaged in some of my most stress-releasing activities - I journaled, I made some music on the out-of-tune, very old and broken piano that I have in my storage closet, and I drank lots of water. I also put up my emotional boundaries and pulled myself out of taking things personally. One of my students accused me of hating children yesterday (because I followed the rules rather than letting the student do what the student wanted to do). Rather than getting cold and brusque (my response to mean comments lately), I continued the conversation by talking to the student about the importance of rules and caring meant that adults put those boundaries and expectations up to ensure safety of the children in their care. By placing those boundaries, I was showing my level of care, love, and commitment to my students. The student actually listened instead of interrupting me (like usual).

I actually felt pretty energetic at the end of the work day yesterday. I still crawled into bed at my earliest opportunity, but I did not feel like I needed to cry or scream or any of that. I woke up once last night for a couple of minutes around 11ish and then went back to sleep once I knew what time it was. I slept until about 3:30 which is great for me! I am hoping that this realization will help me come to a more balanced existence. 

When I woke up this morning, I did not spring out of bed, but I also did not bemoan the fact that I had to go to work. I feel ready to go back to a job that I (mostly) love, so I am considering this a win. I can release emotions that are not my own through acknowledging that this is a very stressful time for all of the people who work at my school. We are all in this whirlpool vortex black hole together. We are all experiencing uncertainty, unrest, lack of boundaries, and the effect of constant change. We are all in this together, but that doesn't help when we are all drowning, and there is no link to the shore. I am going to strive to be that link to the shore, but only if I can keep myself safe from harm first. I have to find my steady ground before I can take on the responsibility of helping others.

In case of emergency, place your own oxygen mask on before helping others.