Good Days, Bad Days, I Have Them All

This is the seventh week since my Father died, and I am in a mood. My mood is comprised of many different emotions, and I think I will name this mood something that has never been part of my consideration before - this mood shall be called, droplet.

This word is making ripples in my mind right now (pun intended) because my emotions seem to be doing the same thing. One thought starts lots of feelings and responses and those feelings and responses ebb and flow and emanate from that one thought. When that one thought reaches the end, another begins. It is an interesting mood to be experiencing.

Now, not all of these emotional ripples are negative or based in mourning. Many of them are pleasant and positive and areas of growth, but some are sad and tough to experience. For those, I cry a bit and then dry my tears with a small prayer of thanks for the lives shared with me. I allow those ripples to move across my body and then lose energy until the next thought starts the next ripple.

I am really trying to be mindful of my thoughts and emotions these days to better understand where I am in my ability to interact with the world at large. My world of human contact is going to expand again, so it is time to figure out how I am going to function within that expansion.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. We had some interesting group sessions where students did well in interacting with us as therapists and with our medium, music. We are seeing lots of upheaval in our clients as they are dealing with new schedules, classmates, teachers, support staff members, and expectations. Music therapy seems to be a place where there is a bit of consistency. We are hearing people sing who don't usually speak. We are experiencing music in ways that are supporting our team building focus for classes right now. We are trying to help the groups find commonalities and differences in a way that is supported both by us as therapists and by the music. It is fascinating to watch new students try out music therapy for the first time.

I talked to a realtor last night. I know what I need to do in the next month to move forward on my quest to move to a new house, so I will spend some time next week talking to lenders about getting financing for my new home. I hope that this will be doable. I am petrified of this next step, but I know it is what I need to be doing. It is past the time for owning some place of my own, so I need to be moving forward on this goal from last year. Let's hope that my moving forward doesn't cause something else to happen in the world.

I have two groups to lead and two groups to lurk in today. I am lurking in groups right now because my intern is starting her termination process with clients. I've found that being in the room in an observing position is best for the transition. Clients who have not had me as their therapist start to see that I belong in the room so it ends up not being as big a surprise when they return after break to see me in the "leader" place in the room. I try my best to be nondescript, but I often fail miserably!

Intern #31 will graduate, and intern #32 will start right after break. I decided not to accept interns for the June position, and I am currently contemplating not offering a September position either. I feel bad about not offering positions for people who desperately need them, but I am overwhelmed with constantly changing work expectations and having to juggle how to get experiences for interns that I feel that they need. I need to figure out what being a music therapist at my facility means these days and to do that, I need to actually be the music therapist! So, I may have a hiatus until January 2022. That would give me at least two months without an intern to figure out what I want to interns to do. This life is getting to be so complicated! I'm not sure how to navigate a world where most of the students' clinical interactions will have been virtual rather than live. These are things to contemplate, and I am doing just that. I will have a week at home alone to figure some things out, but I really need to just be doing my job to be able to really understand how to make things functional for future interns. 

There is much to do, and the ripples just keep coming. Again, I am trying to be mindful of the thoughts that cross my mind pool and acknowledge them, feel them, and then prepare for the next feeling. Feelings keep coming when I am in droplet, and that is fine.