Trepidation...

I am heading to the hand specialist again today to get more x-rays and to see if I can move from immobilization to rehabilitation of the two distal phalanx joints that were damaged in a work incident on August 24th. I have been in splints all the time since, trying hard to do my job in a way that keeps the integrity of music therapy happening but with extreme limits on what I could do musically. I am hoping that this is the appointment where I get to move from splints to strengthening and recovery.

For the past two and a half months, I have been unable to use my fingers in any manner that would support playing either the piano or the guitar. The injury that I sustained was a tendon tear in my left middle finger (also known as mallet finger) and a fracture in my left ring finger. From what I've read (because...well...that's what you do when you get an actual diagnosis...you go on WebMD to find out more), I have been in splints a bit longer than most people are in these cases. I wonder if it is because I have a fracture in the neighboring finger and that complicates rehabilitation. I also wonder if my age has something to do with it. I can tell you that the most complicated part of this recovery has been not being able to lift more than a pound with my dominant hand during all this time. My non-dominant side is clumsy!

I am nervous about this appointment today because I really want to know if this is something that will resolve or if it is something that I will contend with the rest of my life.

The thought of having to do things differently from now on because I might re-injure myself is scary. It is something that I have to acknowledge as a possibility, and that thought has affected my decision making for all sorts of things including future interns. I don't want to accept an intern if there is a chance that I will have to leave this job at the end of my contract year leaving that same intern high and dry in the middle of the program. That is not something I can do. So, that decision is on hold until I know whether I can do this job or not.

There are plenty of music therapy jobs where I would not have to respond to aggression in a physical manner, but I am at a time when any job change would mean a significant change in my income. I don't know if I can lose a significant part of my income and still be able to do what I like...like eating meat and buying the occasional new pair of shoes. I do know that there is nothing tying me to Kansas if I cannot do my current job. I would love to move back to Southern California and would if this job becomes undo-able. There you go.

I am going to work today, supervising my current interns' morning sessions, leaving for our break between sessions, going to the doctor, and then hopefully heading back to work to supervise the last three sessions for the day. We will see if the doctor's office will cooperate with my timeline, but it's not likely. They tend towards "pokey" at their fastest speed. I saw the doctor for 5 minutes each of the times that I have been there. One time, I had to wait for 90+ minutes before getting a 5-minute x-ray series. That reminds me...I need to get a book to read so I have something to do during any sort of wait.

It will be what it will be. I can handle anything that life throws at me. Here's to answers and moving forward!