Fears About Everything at the Moment

Here it is, Monday morning at 5:04 am, and I am sitting down to write a blog post. I am getting ready to head back to work after my mid-summer break to a facility where we are significantly understaffed and changing how things are happening for the fourth time in the past four months. My state has one of the largest increases in COVID-19 reporting/positive results, and my caseload is being reduced to our residents only AGAIN after two weeks of including everyone. I feel like I am constantly having to react to things happening around me and around us all, and I am engaged in fear responses more than others.

This last week was a good one. I interacted with about five people through checkout lines and one food delivery person. I received lots of packages (I had to get a new computer and all the auxiliary stuff that goes with it, of course), but other than a knock on the door, I did not have any type of human interaction live and in person. I slept when I wanted, I arranged things, I crafted a little bit, I watched lots of television and movies, and I enjoyed being off from work.

Now, it is time to head back to work. Here's what I know about my job at the moment. We are down lots of staff members so everyone who works for the facility is being compelled to work mandatory overtime. I do not (technically) work for the facility, so I cannot be compelled to work overtime, and that leads me to lots of guilt feelings. I just can't work overtime. I am already working 9 hours a day at this job plus four other part-time jobs. I do not have time. While the money would be great (they are paying time and a half right now), I value my health and well-being more than money. I cannot work 16 hours a day and then turn around and do the same thing the next day. I have too much awareness of myself and my health to trade that off for a paycheck.

So, I am a bit scared about having that sort of attitude during all of this. There has been talk about "letting staff members go" for the new contract year. I have not seen a contract for this year, so it would be REALLY easy for my facility to let me go right now. They would have no penalty for doing so where as I would owe the school district over $2000 if I decided to leave right now.

If I did lose my job, I would try to get a new job closer to my family members. I don't think that too many people are hiring music therapists in Southern California right now, but I would try to migrate farther west. There would be nothing to keep me here if my job disappeared.

My family had a six degrees of separation thing happen with COVID-19. Apparently, someone that my brother hangs out with has a brother who has tested positive for the virus. My brother lives with my parents, so there was a risk of exposure for my father who has significant health issues and my mother who has less significant issues but who would also be affected. I am terrified that my family (all who live far away from me) will get this virus and be affected by it in ways that we can't even fathom. The attitude from my parents seems to be "no one will tell ME what to do!" and that scares me to my core!

So, to recap, I am scared about going to work, I am scared about not having a job to go to, I am scared about having to find a new job in the midst of a pandemic, I am scared about the attitude of other people, and I am scared that this is going to happen whether I do anything about it or not.

...and, now it is time to get ready to go to work.