Giving Myself the Grace I Can Easily Find For Others

One of the things that I've noticed, about myself and about many of the music therapists that I know, is that we tend to be our own worst critics. I see this every time I give an evaluation to one of my interns. They rank and rate themselves much harsher than I do on a regular basis...I do the exact same thing when it is my turn to evaluate my own skills - my "ideal therapist" expectations come out and shame me...every...single...time.

When my interns or other therapists start to demonstrate this type of response to evaluation, I am easily able to identify it and put them at ease. When it is me, though, I slip into feelings of inadequacy and, again, that shame. Why is it so difficult to give myself the grace to be imperfect and learning when I can support others in their journeys?

This is possibly coming up because of my attendance at the Midwestern Region conference this past weekend. It is also coming up (and I know this for a fact) because I had a very emotional day on Tuesday and it seems that all my friends are in the same sort of place. I can support them easily - sending out messages and thoughts and prayers - but cannot seem to do the same thing for myself naturally.

My word for this year is "evolve." I am trying hard to figure out how I am growing during this time, and this particular area is an area of growth for me - the idea that I am imperfectly perfect and not only good enough, but also just plain old good at my choice of profession. (I still have to remind myself that I am good at this - even after 27 years as a music therapist!) I want to remember, even in the dark days, that I am constantly learning, growing, and evolving in my way of doing things.

I've been spending time reading through comments of friends who are struggling right now - some because their small businesses are shut down and the bills are coming in, some because being at home with all of their family members is illustrating why they enjoy working outside and away, some because they are scared of illness, some because they aren't scared of illness. Everyone seems to be struggling (including me), and it all seems to be hitting us the hardest right now. I think I may be internalizing all of the struggles that others are sharing, making them my own even when they don't have anything to do with me...at all. I know things are exacerbated when I watch any sort of news - I am disappointed with how our government is acting during all of this. As a result, I am not watching news at all. That is helping me find a bit of peace. I am almost ready to stop looking at Facebook because that is just as bad - the prevalence of fake news and biased opinions thinly disguised as fact is overwhelming to my already reeling thought processes.

Here is what I am doing to show myself some grace. First, like I do with my students, I am focusing on what I am doing well. I am surviving this situation. I am acknowledging my bad days and am working through them. I am doing what I need to do for the clients that I have at this moment. Next, I am eating. I haven't been eating breakfast often during this time, and that is changing. I ate breakfast yesterday and felt pretty good all day. So, I am eating breakfast today as well. I will see if that works. Third, I am trying really hard to avoid self-criticism when I do not live up to my own expectations - this one is the most challenging of all! There are times when I am overwhelmed with everything. Even getting up to do this new routine AGAIN is daunting and defeating. On days where things are the most difficult, I honor the small steps that I take that lead me to bigger things. 


Right now, at this very moment, I am able to forgive myself for not being super productive. I am able to understand that this is a globally traumatic experience that is affecting everyone, and that my way of responding is unique to me and also completely natural. Having bad days is not unforgivable - it is natural, it is part of being human, and it is understood.