I Get Ambitious, and My Body Lets Me Know What It Thinks About That...and a Bit on Impostor Syndrome

Yesterday was full of ambition and setting intentions and making plans, and my body started a migraine headache on the way home, letting me know that those plans were not going to be accomplished. Okay, then body - here's what we're going to do today. We're going to do the things we wanted to do yesterday today as we continue to work through the migraine and take the day away from the florescent lights and the cacophony of kids playing instruments. So there, body! Take that!!

This is one of the problems that I have with myself and setting intentions - things happen and then I can't get to what I plan. Why do I plan?? Oh yeah - it's because that's what I think should happen in a responsible adult's life. Oh well.

I often get hung up on what I think is what happens when an adult is adulting. Does anyone else? Am I the only one or are there others out there that feel like an impostor when it comes to being an adult?

I haven't done much reading about impostor syndrome, but I know just enough to realize that it is a name for something that I think most of us feel at one point or another. I started with the Wikipedia page for this particular phrase - ooh, did you feel that? All music therapy professors just fell to their knees in anguish because I decided to use a Wikipedia reference (and well they should!). Don't ever use wikipedia for anything more than a starting point - it should NEVER be a resource in your work. Use it to gather terminology and primary resources for your research - DO NOT USE WIKIPEDIA AS A SOURCE!! This is a clear case of "do what I say, not what I do."

A person I have known a very long time, Katie Vernoy, writes and offers information on Impostor Syndrome along with Curt Widhalm. Here's a link to one of their resources over at Therapy Reimagined. As I read more and more about this, I find that I definitely have elements of this type of thinking in my repertoire. For me, though, the places where I experience Impostor Syndrome type thoughts are not in the therapy realm but in the personal realm.

I occasionally find myself thinking that I am not enough of an adult.

I don't know how to get a mortgage. I love all things Disney. I have almost as many toys in my home as I have books (and more toys than textbooks - that's for sure!). I need to take naps on a regular basis. I had to have my mom come out when I had my first surgery because I just needed her. (I was able to go through the second surgery with a wonderful surrogate mom, but it HAD to be mom at the beginning!) I often feel that I just don't know how to be an adult, and I often think that someone will call me out on that.

In my rational brain, I know that is not true. I am a functioning adult in the eyes of the world. I work, I pay my taxes, I live on my own, and I make an effort to learn what I do not know, but I still have these thoughts go through my head. I will eventually know about how to get a mortgage because I want to do that really soon. In my emotional brain though, I envision myself as someone who wants more guidance from an adult - someone to advise me on what to do.

Is this one of the reasons why clinical supervision is so important to many of us? Having someone who can be that guiding adult voice in our therapeutic roles? Hm. Maybe so.

If you have these types of feelings about yourself and your roles as therapist, person, spouse or significant other, adult, or anything else, find that voice to help you through it all. Find the person that you can trust with those feelings and work through them. Talk, learn, reflect, engage, and grow.

I'm going to spend my day watching Disney movies and resting my hurting head. I'm not adulting much today, but that's fine for the moment. I'll be a better adult tomorrow, I promise.

Comments

  1. Natalie Jack6:28 AM

    Oh! How I love this blog post! I see so many music therapists who identify with imposter syndrome in some realm or another. They are all high achieving people - I have never met a 'low achiever' with imposter syndrome, (think about that for a second or two). People with imposter syndrome CARE ENOUGH about themselves, their clients/family/friends to be concerned about whether they are doing a good enough job at adulting/clinical work/being a friend, what ever it is. In supervision with these awesome people, all I have to do is be their 'rational brain', and reiterate to them what they already know about their abilities/achievements, but that they seem to need to hear from 'another', someone they identify as a competent adult/clinician/friend. This is why, as you say, supervision is so important, so the supervisor can be the mirror, and reflect back all the things we can't say to ourselves, but that we desperately need xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mj4:49 AM

      Thanks for the comment, Natalie! I find that perfectionism and impostor syndrome seem to go hand in hand as well as the achievement aspect. The more we expect out of ourselves, the more we feel that we are failing in all parts of our lives. I've had to purposefully navigate the world of "this is good enough" for many years. I'm glad that folks like you take the time and make the effort to be the "rational brain" for others. Thank you for all that you do!

      Delete
  2. Janice Lindstrom, MA, MT-BC12:32 PM

    The quickest way to learn how to be an adult is to have a child. Makes you learn real fast. Can't say I recommend it.... just enjoy your freedom and find someone to help you buy a home. That's what realtors are for. No one knows how mortgages work without help.

    ReplyDelete

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