Decisions Made Through a Trauma-Focused Lens Affect More Than Just One Person
I often wonder, during my reading about things trauma related, what happens when trauma is denied - when people do not remember trauma or like to pretend that it never happened.
A bit of antecedent information. I have a family member who has never had a stable home life. His mother and father were together when he was born, lived together until he was 3, and then split up. They were never married, so he did not go through the "trauma of divorce," but the only thing that was different was the legal aspect of that type of separation - everything else was the same. Neither of his parents is very stable. His father has continuing health issues, a new family (which is breaking up), and he has recently moved away from this family member - to the other side of the world, to be near the little son who is also living on the other side of the world. The family member is staying with his mother who bounces from relationship to relationship, often having more than one at a time. She has recently moved the family member to a new state - moving him from a successful pre-college program to an unknown educational situation.
This family member was supposed to get on a plane yesterday and travel to see his father, his little brother, his aunt, and his grandparents. He did not do so. The reasons for this seem to change every time he talks to those family members, but I think trauma is behind it all.
This family member has a history of anxiety (according to his father, who is not the most reliable reporter), and it seems, to me, that this situation is rooted in anxiety which, again to me, seems to be rooted in trauma - which NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT!
Trauma is something that is not easily defined. What deeply affects one person may not affect another person at all. Something else that seems trivial to most may cause another person lots of anxiety. It is difficult to really pinpoint trauma, especially when working with young children or those who have developmental concerns and cannot or will not communicate.
Right now, this family member is being judged through the lens of disappointment and a bit of anger. The person who paid for the trip (not either of his parents) is out the money for the ticket - there are no refunds because he just didn't get on the plane. That person was really excited to see the family member and is now very upset and out over $700.00 for the ticket.
As someone who is not directly affected by this situation, I have the luxury of sitting back and thinking about it through the lens of trauma-informed care.
This young family member has been through traumatic experiences. If I look at the Adverse Childhood Experiences (or ACES), I can identify 3 that I know this family member has gone through. I do not know about some of the other situations, but I know of 3. I know that this family member has been told, over and over again, that the family that is on the other side of the world (my side of the family, by the way) doesn't care about him, wishes he weren't part of the family, but will take him away from the other side of the family as soon as they can! He has been told all sorts of things, and his parents are the ones who tell him these things - about the other parent!
This family member has been identified as a perfectionist and as having difficulties with anxiety, especially when placed in brand new situations. Having recently moved to a new state and city from a small town, this kid has all sorts of new situations. He doesn't really know where he will be going to school. He was really excelling at his old school program, but his parent decided to move, so he had to leave as well. His other parent is across the country, a phone and Skype type of contact rather than someone who is directly involved in parenting at this point. The second parent left after making lots of promises to stay until the family member was finished with high school. All of these things add up, in my mind, as a stew of trauma that is manifesting right now.
The family member side of me is trying to negotiate between the angst and anger on one side of me and the therapist side which is noticing all of these trauma-related things happening. In my position as family member, but not directly involved, I am having to calm people down (long distance) as well as to try to help them figure out what is happening.
No one ever talks about what this child has gone through just by being alive in the family that he was brought into. Decisions are made about him, not often with his input. Decisions about life circumstances that directly affect him are made without his input or awareness until they are a done deal. All of these things seem tied into the current situation.
As he goes through this time in his life - time when he has caused disappointment and is probably feeling anxious, ashamed, and upset - I am hoping that he has someone that he can talk to. Someone who is not involved and who can listen and help him. I doubt that he has that type of person in his life.
The therapist in me is feeling very helpless.
The family member in me is mourning for this child and the life that he knows. I want to reach out, but cannot. I have no idea where this kid actually is right now - due to all the moves, changes in social media status, and other situations.
There are all sorts of trauma. I wonder if this situation will be traumatic for everyone involved. I think it will, and I think it will change relationships and make things be different from here on out. I hope I can help in some small way - help all those involved in working on acknowledging feelings, understanding situations, and coming to a conclusion.
Trauma really sucks!
A bit of antecedent information. I have a family member who has never had a stable home life. His mother and father were together when he was born, lived together until he was 3, and then split up. They were never married, so he did not go through the "trauma of divorce," but the only thing that was different was the legal aspect of that type of separation - everything else was the same. Neither of his parents is very stable. His father has continuing health issues, a new family (which is breaking up), and he has recently moved away from this family member - to the other side of the world, to be near the little son who is also living on the other side of the world. The family member is staying with his mother who bounces from relationship to relationship, often having more than one at a time. She has recently moved the family member to a new state - moving him from a successful pre-college program to an unknown educational situation.
This family member was supposed to get on a plane yesterday and travel to see his father, his little brother, his aunt, and his grandparents. He did not do so. The reasons for this seem to change every time he talks to those family members, but I think trauma is behind it all.
This family member has a history of anxiety (according to his father, who is not the most reliable reporter), and it seems, to me, that this situation is rooted in anxiety which, again to me, seems to be rooted in trauma - which NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT!
Trauma is something that is not easily defined. What deeply affects one person may not affect another person at all. Something else that seems trivial to most may cause another person lots of anxiety. It is difficult to really pinpoint trauma, especially when working with young children or those who have developmental concerns and cannot or will not communicate.
Right now, this family member is being judged through the lens of disappointment and a bit of anger. The person who paid for the trip (not either of his parents) is out the money for the ticket - there are no refunds because he just didn't get on the plane. That person was really excited to see the family member and is now very upset and out over $700.00 for the ticket.
As someone who is not directly affected by this situation, I have the luxury of sitting back and thinking about it through the lens of trauma-informed care.
This young family member has been through traumatic experiences. If I look at the Adverse Childhood Experiences (or ACES), I can identify 3 that I know this family member has gone through. I do not know about some of the other situations, but I know of 3. I know that this family member has been told, over and over again, that the family that is on the other side of the world (my side of the family, by the way) doesn't care about him, wishes he weren't part of the family, but will take him away from the other side of the family as soon as they can! He has been told all sorts of things, and his parents are the ones who tell him these things - about the other parent!
This family member has been identified as a perfectionist and as having difficulties with anxiety, especially when placed in brand new situations. Having recently moved to a new state and city from a small town, this kid has all sorts of new situations. He doesn't really know where he will be going to school. He was really excelling at his old school program, but his parent decided to move, so he had to leave as well. His other parent is across the country, a phone and Skype type of contact rather than someone who is directly involved in parenting at this point. The second parent left after making lots of promises to stay until the family member was finished with high school. All of these things add up, in my mind, as a stew of trauma that is manifesting right now.
The family member side of me is trying to negotiate between the angst and anger on one side of me and the therapist side which is noticing all of these trauma-related things happening. In my position as family member, but not directly involved, I am having to calm people down (long distance) as well as to try to help them figure out what is happening.
No one ever talks about what this child has gone through just by being alive in the family that he was brought into. Decisions are made about him, not often with his input. Decisions about life circumstances that directly affect him are made without his input or awareness until they are a done deal. All of these things seem tied into the current situation.
As he goes through this time in his life - time when he has caused disappointment and is probably feeling anxious, ashamed, and upset - I am hoping that he has someone that he can talk to. Someone who is not involved and who can listen and help him. I doubt that he has that type of person in his life.
The therapist in me is feeling very helpless.
The family member in me is mourning for this child and the life that he knows. I want to reach out, but cannot. I have no idea where this kid actually is right now - due to all the moves, changes in social media status, and other situations.
There are all sorts of trauma. I wonder if this situation will be traumatic for everyone involved. I think it will, and I think it will change relationships and make things be different from here on out. I hope I can help in some small way - help all those involved in working on acknowledging feelings, understanding situations, and coming to a conclusion.
Trauma really sucks!
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