MJ and Confrontation - The Strategy

I am lousy when it comes to confrontations. I'm the first to admit it. I hate confronting people about their inappropriate actions towards others, especially when the "others" include myself. I am much better at calling someone out when they are bullying others that do not include me, but I am not good at it when I am the target. I have never been good at this, so I was a target of bullies and teasing and lots of hurt feelings as a kid. Those feelings continue in me as an adult, but my ability to be strong has increased. I definitely am less likely to break into tears in public than I used to be (but I still have that tendency as well).

So, why is this the topic for my blog post today?

I am getting ready for a confrontation that is unfair. I'm not going to go into any more details, but this confrontation is ridiculous, and yet I have to go through it. It has shaken my thoughts for the past two months, and the day of confrontation has arrived. 

This is one of the reasons that I talk about crucial conversations with music therapy interns. We, as music therapists, have many different types of conversations that we have in our professional roles. Some of those conversations are not happy ones. Some of the them are confrontational. Others are difficult because they include sad or negative information. It is important to know how to approach those conversations in a way that supports the hearer as well as assertively defining the position of the expressor. (Like that word? Apparently spellcheck doesn't think it is a word. I'm going to leave it with the red squiggles under it because I like it! Grammar Rebel, that's me!)

When I was in the sixth grade, I was a test subject for someone's dissertation. (I wonder if I can find that dissertation now. It would be interesting to see what she wrote about me...) About four or five of us had assertiveness lessons with the Mom of a friend of mine. I'm sure she saw us as a convenience sample, but that's okay with me. I think the lessons that she taught me have stuck over the decades. I don't remember who else was in the study or much of what we did, but I know about being assertive rather than aggressive or passive.

In addition to that early exposure, I have also lived through the era of conflict resolution training as a natural part of employee training. After being an employee who sat through many hours of resolving conflict, I have remembered a thing or two from that assertiveness training as well as storing up those tidbits of information that I use now in confrontations.

Here's my plan for moving forward today.

1. Allow the person behind all this to present the case without making comment.
2. Calmly present my case with supporting facts and figures while expecting the other person not to make a comment.
3. Stand up for myself when I need to do so.
4. Accept the decision made by the group who is directly affected.
5. Move on from there.

After the confrontation, I will probably spend some time expressing my emotions. The adrenaline build-up is enough to cause that need for catharsis. I will either go driving or make something or throw something or sleep. We'll see how things go during this meeting.

I am thankful that I have had some time to think through my strategy and ideas for what I want to say today. It will help me to be as calm as possible. When I get confronted in a way that makes me feel cornered, I get very upset and cannot control my initial impulse (which is ALWAYS to cry). So, I feel cornered, I feel embarrassed, and I ugly cry - not a good emotional or physical state of being when engaged in a conflict, by the way. By now, the shock of this situation has been expressed, so I should be able to be able to keep myself together during the entire process.

I guess we shall see.

75 minutes to go.

I hope you have a wonderful Saturday!