Am I Trying Too Hard?

I feel like a failure. Right now, some of my clients are refusing to go to music therapy with me. A couple of others do everything they can do to get out of treatment. There are many more who appear to be motivated by music therapy and who want to be in treatment with me, but the ones that don't are the ones that haunt me.

I've thought about this for many, MANY weeks now.

Fortunately, I have some validation from others who feel the same way about their treatment areas. There are others who are struggling with many of the same clients in treatment situations.

What does this tell me?

I am only responsible for my own contributions. I cannot force anyone to engage in therapy - that would not be therapy. I can only keep trying to engage folks and changing that engagement as I can.

Even so, I still carry around feelings of failure.

I want to reach everyone. I want to be able to interact with all of the people that come my way. I want to (and I shudder to even write this right here, right now because it is just that corny) help the world!

When a client takes time to shout obscenities at and about me, I have two different thoughts that occur. The first is that they are really threatened by something in the music therapy room - me, or music, or therapy. The second is that it is difficult to separate comments that are not always meant to be personal from the personal. As a result, I tend to spend way too much time thinking about these things than I should.

My goblins come out. You know the ones - the woulda, coulda, shoulda goblins. The ones that keep me thinking about the clients I don't get connected to rather than the clients that I do connect to. Those goblins.

It's time to shift into mindfulness and deflection mode.

Deflection - the comments that are made are not always personal to me. Sometimes they are, but most of the time they aren't. They are a result of other experiences that my clients bring to the session and get expressed to me. I know this from my readings, research, and experience working with clients with trauma backgrounds. When it happens, though, I tend to take it personally. That needs to stop.

Mindfulness - focus on the clients who are interested, happy, and engaged during music therapy sessions. Those are the clients who are benefiting from music therapy.

I'm going to ruminate on this a bit more. See you tomorrow!

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