Sinking and Going Down Fast

Do you like medication side effects? I, of course, don't, but it is a fact of my life right now. The medication that I'm on causes me to feel depressed in addition to helping me feel better as far as pain goes. I find that this manifests itself in a couple of different ways.

First, I find that I am happiest when I am around my clients. I still love making music with people, but I also want them to cancel their sessions so I don't have to do anything. Instead of my usual enthusiasm for making sure that my clients have the treatment I think they deserve, I am willing to cancel, if needed.

Second, I overreact to the most stupid things. Yesterday, I FINALLY got to see the plans for the new music room. I was not happy and started to cry when I saw the space. I have real concerns about the functionality of the space itself and my fears were not assuaged by any means. Actually, I now have more concerns about the space that music therapy is being crammed into.

Third, I am taking things much more personally than I am sure that others intend.

One of the things that I have found over the past six months of pain, uncertainty, and medication side effects, is that my current feelings will get worse, but then they will get significantly better. I just have to acknowledge the feelings, own them, and understand that some of what I am feeling and responding to is not intentional. I also need to make sure to use my frontal lobe to check some of my impulses...it's not a good idea to go talk to the facility's CEO at the moment, MJ.

When I'm involved in situations like these, it makes me wonder what my students are going through. It took me two repetitions of these medications, several comments from family members about my horrible attitude, and a couple of dark crying jags for me to figure out that I was being chemically altered in ways that I don't enjoy. Can you imagine what a 6 year-old with a diagnosis on the Autism Spectrum is trying to figure out?

It's time to go to work, try not to cry over stupid little things, and get the day started. Thank you for reading and going on this journey with me. Only five more days of medication and then I should be back to normal(ish) behavior.

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