This week I have had to do lots of listening. I have been listening to co-workers as the grieve the loss of a student, listening to interns as they work on their relationship with each other, listening to my family as they are off on an adventure that they want to share with me, 1500 miles away. The act of listening is not easy. It is an art.
I was taught to listen (as well as many other things) by Sandy Rudder, now a Ph.D. Apparently, I was part of her dissertation project - an assertiveness training program for 6th grade girls. My parents thought that I was a good subject - I had some difficulties making friends and sticking up for myself - the products of many moves in few years - so I was pulled out of class to attend assertiveness training.
I remember lots of things that occurred during that time. I have used it many times over my years. The things that I use everyday, however, are the tips on listening. Here are as many as I can remember:
- Active listening means paying attention to what is being said. Not formulating your answer, not thinking of smart comebacks.
- Interruptions are not positive.
- Make eye contact.
- Watch the entire person as they are speaking to you. You get so much information through nonverbal communication.
- Ask for clarification, even when you think you know what they are speaking about - it is better to check than be wrong.
- Listening is different from hearing.
- You do not have to respond to what others say. Sometimes your silence is all that is needed.
Thank you, Sandy Rudder, for increasing my therapeutic skills at such an early age. You helped me be a better person and therapist without even knowing that was the goal.
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