music, therapy, and me

Boy, howdy, this has been quite a year! I am sitting in the darkness and quiet of my home, looking at the glow of the Christmas lights and trying really hard not to think that I see my dear one walking down the hall to see if I've filled her food bowl yet, reflecting on the year that is almost over now. I am not holding out lots of hope that 2021 will be better, but at least 2020 will be over. I remember how many people were stating that 2020 was going to be so much better than 2019. I have several reminders of that prediction on my social media feeds this morning from friends far and near. Everyone was looking forward to the start of the Roaring 20's, 21st Century style, and the year definitely looked like it was going to be lots of fun for me! I made all sorts of daring plans for my future and was stepping out into ways of interacting that I had never even dreamed of before. I was ready and looking forward to challenges! Then came March 13th. One of the bad things about havin...

If you read this blog regularly (first of all, thank you!), then you know that one of my goals for this year is to deepen my knowledge of music as a therapeutic medium. To that end, I was able to justify the purchase of 13 books from Barcelona recently, and I am trying to make professional reading part of my regular work day. At this moment, I am on Winter Break (for six more days), so I am not working, but I am still trying really hard to start the habit of reading some of my textbooks. So, I have started with a book that I have had on my shelf for a long time, but haven't read it from cover to cover before. Drum roll, please...just kidding, I don't expect this type of fanfare for announcements EVERY time I do something... A Comprehensive Guide to Music Therapy: Theory, Clinical Practice, Research and Training , by Tony Wigram, Inge Nygaard Pedersen, and Lars Ole Bonde. I am on the second chapter. It is taking me quite a bit of time to digest - not because it is difficult, but...

It is the end of this calendar year, and I always become nostalgic when it comes to changing the year from one to the next. This year has been full of challenges and ups and downs, and I feel the need to talk about where I am in this moment right here, right now. I took my cat's leftover consumables to the vet yesterday to give the resources to cats who will be able to use them. I have closed the door to her bathroom and haven't cleaned out her litter box yet. I know that it is silly not to clean up, but I just can't do it yet. I am allowing myself the opportunity to grieve the way I need to grieve. I will know when it is time to say that final goodbye. I also went to my Occupational Therapist for my second appointment. I increased my range of motion in all joints but am not to full mobility or range yet. She told me to start playing the piano and to attempt the guitar again. I also have these wonderful straps to "help" me stretch. Doesn't that look like fun? ...

Today is the last Monday of 2020, and I am more than ready to say goodbye to this horrible year. Now, I don't believe that things will miraculously clear up at midnight on Friday, but I hope that something changes in this next journey around the sun. This year, my word for the year was "evolve." It was my goal to make my business ideas happen in ways that I could envision - mostly needing face-to-face interactions - and I was on my way until March. In March, as we all know, life as we knew it and as we planned it came to a screeching halt. All of my plans were shaken about, set on fire, and then left in the world of uncertainty that we now know is COVID-19. I was not able to get much of my plans accomplished, but I found other ways to evolve into the therapist and person that I am today. The word I have chosen for 2021 is "deepen." I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what I wanted from life last year, and I found that I am pretty much bored...

I am struggling this morning with the return of grief. I was able to think and miss and mourn my baby for a bit without tears, but they came back as soon as I got up - I am not sure why that is. I am moving from moment to moment at this time, catching sight of one of my curls out of the corner of my eye and thinking that it is Bella coming to see what I am doing, then remembering that she is gone, and taking the time to cry about it. Most of my gifts this year were cat-related, so looking at those things bring tears. I still love cats, but mine is gone, and that hurts right now. Even though this has happened, I still go on, and there are things that need to be done that are not related to my Belle at all. Tomorrow, I return to my Occupational Therapist to do more finger exercises. My fingers are very stiff and it hurts to bend them, but I am doing so. I am trying hard to keep to my regime of stretching them in specific ways four or five times a day, but each time is more painful. I nee...

Yesterday, at 8:10am, I said goodbye to my cat, Bella. She had kidney issues and rapidly got worse to the point where it was obvious that she was not able to take care of herself. So, I had to make the difficult decision to let her go. The vet gave me the option of hospitalization for a couple more months or just giving her a release. I chose release. I am sitting here, not quite 24 hours after giving her one last stroke, in sobbing hysterics as I miss her snoring, her scratches at the covers, and her way of sleeping in between my legs in a way that completely immobilized me. I haven't left my house since I got home yesterday morning, and I know that returning to my home without her greeting me at the door is going to be rough. I know that one of the responsibilities of being a pet owner is making decisions about end of life for those pets. Bella was my first pet of my own. I first took her to the vet on September 2, 2006 - about a week after she became mine. She had been living wi...

I went to my first Occupational Therapy appointment yesterday with a certified hand specialist to work on regaining full function on my previously broken fingers. They are almost entirely healed up, so the hand doctor started me off with my OT this week. I am no longer wearing the splints - that is scary enough for me - anxiety is calling - but I am also having to stretch my fingers in ways that my hand has been unable to stretch for four months now. I am attempting to touch type with all ten of my fingers at the moment, and I am out of practice - woefully. I am having to consciously use my brain to tell me to move my fingers in patterns that they have used forever but are not usual right now. This is the start of my journey into "regular" finger function. I am in a bunch of pain and the fingers that have not had to bend for four months are now being used more and that is not comfortable, but I know that this is part of the process to getting back to what I want to be able to...