Thoughtful Thursday: My SAD

I am sitting here, at 4:30 am, after my shower, starting to ruminate on what is going on in my life right now. I am struggling with feelings of being overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious about things, and having to catch my breath all the time. I realized that this pattern is one that I have been through before, so I am going to write about it yet again...

I woke up this morning at 2:38. Since I was wide awake, I headed to the bathroom and as I was walking to the bathroom, I heard running water. At first, I thought it might be rain, so I moved to the bathroom, did what I had to do, and heard no rain sounds. That was odd, so I veered from my path back to my bed and followed the sound. I found my kitchen faucet going full blast!

The scrubber holder that I had hung on the porous tile of my backsplash had fallen down, hitting the toggle knob and starting the water. Fortunately, the drain and sink were clear, so the water was just draining, but I have no idea how long this had been the case. I will see when the next water bill arrives.

I went back to my bed, fully awake, and a bit frustrated with myself and with my living arrangements. I sunk into old patterns of blaming myself for not realizing that this was a possibility and let my goblins settle into my brain. At 4am, the hour that I prefer to wake up and get started, I got up to take my shower and start my day. As I was washing my bits and pieces, I remembered that this is a pattern that happens to me every year around this time.

I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Mine happens to be tied to the summer season rather than the winter season for some reason, but I have all the symptoms and characteristics of SAD. This corresponds to a season where I have to be heavily medicated in order to simply breathe. I find it more difficult to breathe when humidity increases, and this is the season for high humidity. I have never been a fan of sunshine here in the midwest - when I was 2, I refused to take a walk with my mother because the sun was out. I prefer the cooler mornings to the heat of the afternoons, but neighbors don't like it when you mow your lawn at 4 am. I never feel like I can catch my breath, and I always feel sticky, dirty, and damp. All of these things contribute to my emotions and are exacerbated by changes in my work schedule, not enough rest, and the addition of seasonal chores like mowing (which I STILL haven't done!).

For me, my SAD comes in several forms. I am high functioning in my depressive states. I put myself out into the world of my therapy sessions and on the internet in positive ways, but that is all that I have to give. I come home and am exhausted but cannot sleep. I become easily overwhelmed by the things that I see that need to be fixed in my surroundings, but I cannot muster the energy to start anything. I also have three-day weekends, so lots of alone time and time to stew in my feelings. I don't have lots of friends in the area, so I do not have people to find or go out with. This year, I am also still pandemic-shy, so I am not going to as many places as I have in past summers. So, I sit in my messy house, getting overwhelmed by how much I have to do, and feeling like I should be better than all of this.

I have not found a cure for this. I'm not really sure that there is a cure for this type of SAD. Various sources mention common treatments for the winter version of SAD, but exposure to lamps seems contraindicated during the summer months. Some articles that I have read encourage me to find darkness and coolness.

As soon as I get the downstairs bed set up, I am going to move my sleeping area to my cool basement bedrooms. At the moment, the bed is covered with boxes and needs to be set up on a frame before I can move down here, but there is a significant difference between the temperature and humidity levels on my two floors. If I concentrate, I can get enough stuff out of bedroom #3 this weekend to move down and sleep here. This will also provide me with a bigger disconnect from screens and other distractions. I just have to get some things done first.

In order to get this task finished, I will go to the systems that have worked for me in the past. I use a 30/30 system to help me do things. Thirty minutes of cleaning or chores and then 30 minutes of something not chore-based like crafting or computering. (Yep, I did just make this into a verb, spell-check. Get over it!) I will make sure that I am drinking as much water as possible during the day and before bed. I will also eat - this is something I forget to do or am not interested in as much during the sunlit hours of the day. I end up messing up all sorts of systems for myself during these months.

I will go to work. I will do the things that I always do at work. I will enjoy the time I am around other people and will expend most of my energy for the 9 hours I am at work. I will sink into my car at the end of the day and feel that exhaustion flow over me during my commute home. Tomorrow, I will sleep until I wake up. I will increase my allergy medication to the full dose so I can breathe more easily. I will start my timer and work towards the goal of moving my sleep downstairs through clearing out the bedroom and assembling the bed frame so I can move in and out of the bed easily for the next several months. I will continue to go through my daily positivity routine and will find things to celebrate as well as to work on.

 

https://www.webmd.com/depression/summer-depression 

https://www.healthline.com/health/summer-SAD-is-all-too-real