In One Moment - Everything Changes

First of all, I want to start this blog off by saying that everyone in my life (as far as I know) is alive. I wanted to put that out there at the start of this blog because there are some pretty significant things happening in my family that are going to be stressful but this is not a blog post about dying.

Here's the deal.

Last night, my sister called me with some news about our brother. The details of all of this are not really important. What I am trying to get myself to focus on right now is the fact that up until that phone call, everything was settled in my life. It was the last day of my work week, I was talking to my Mom who was pretty chirpy on the phone, and I had spoken to my sister who was the same way. We were all in a pretty good space. Then, things changed.

After I spoke briefly to my sister, I waited a bit to call my Mom. My sister felt that she needed to talk to Mom about what she had heard, so I started to dither out here. I was crying, I was raging, and I was no longer feeling good. So, I got onto the internet to start a search for practical options and guidance. The situation that we will be in is not all that unusual for other people, but my Mom is going to need more help than either my sister or I can provide. Also, Mom takes recommendations from us better when we can back up our recommendations with sources beyond ourselves. Once I called Mom, I was able to recommend that she speak to her attorney. (Mom has a visceral aversion to involving her attorney with ANYTHING because he charges her $500.00 an hour! The NERVE!) By the end of our second talk during the evening, she was talking about contacting her attorney who offered his assistance with this situation before. She knows that he knows how to do this process. After our second talk, I was able to sleep.

So, how do I justify writing about this on my blog? On Systems Friday? Well...it's a bit of a stretch, but there are so many life situations out there that can affect us deeply in a split second. These things are not always life shaking to think about. They can sometimes be something small that starts a row of dominoes. Sometimes they are immediate and tragic. There are many things that affect us as therapists and as humans.

When faced with news that is earth shaking, I tend to follow this system - it's not all functional, but it is how I work...

1. Panic - I go into immediate emotional overload and panic. I cry. I keep crying until I can move to step 2.
2. Information Gathering - This is my response to any sort of situation. Go to Google. I seek as much information as I can. When my family faced a situation with my brother in 1996, I called the Centers for Disease Control and asked all sorts of questions. I then reported the information that I found to my family which made my brother very angry with me, but that information was important. So, I get into these sorts of patterns. I search until I find as much consensus as possible on the things that are happening. I take notes. I make charts. I ask questions.
   
3. Gathering Myself to Talk to Others - I have to present myself as composed rather than emotional. I think this is an expectation that I put onto myself rather than one that my family imposes upon me. I always cry when I feel cornered, challenged, or direction-less. My emotional brain takes over and makes me into something that I do not want to be - a hysterical mess. So, I take some time and energy to pull myself together. If things are huge, then I practice what I want to say before I try to talk to other people.
4. Presentation of the Facts and Being Therapist When Being Therapist is Not Always What I Need to Do - I then talk out the situation with parties involved. I use my facts and notes and charts and things to help me get through all of my talking points.
5. Fret and Worry the Rest of the Time...

Okay. There you go. I am firmly in stage 5 at the moment. My sister got some support from my Aunt last night. I talked to Mom, and she said that she would contact her attorney. I fell asleep after my desired bedtime, but at least I was able to fall asleep. I had about 10 minutes of awake time this morning before I remembered where we were and what we were doing.

I will try to do the things that I planned to do today. I will swing between steps 1 and 5 several times as I try to check things off my list. I will ruminate on my family system. I will talk to my sister and my Mom about what the plan is for the near future. I will go to a movie to watch superheroes doing superhero things before heading back into reality. At this time, it is time to start getting going on one of my goals - preparing the bedroom for sleeping...