Tuesday - School Is Changing
Today is Tuesday, and I am going into work to go through active shooter training. This is not something I want to do or something that I am looking forward to, but it seems to be the norm these days if you work in a school. Our scenario will include police officers roaming around the building, shooting blanks, and hunting us. I am having anxiety dreams and nothing has happened yet. This is the environment of my worst dreams usually, being chased by people who are out to get me, and today, I get to live it.
My rational brain knows the reason behind this training. Schools are vulnerable to attack by people who have several different agendas. It is unfortunate that this is the case, but it is. Schools contain vulnerable and protected people (the future) and have a huge impact on idea development and subsequent actions. School attacks make statements, so we who work in schools have to learn how to keep the children in our care safe and alive. My rational brain knows why we are going to do this.
My emotional brain, however, is freaking out! I've been having anxiety dreams since this training has been announced. All of my dreams have been centered on work situations, and I've awakened each time in a sweat. I don't know what is causing what - the night sweats or the dreams. I fluctuate between wanting to participate in this situation and wanting to opt out before it even starts. I'm afraid that I'll be considered wimpy or cowardly if I don't participate, but I'm also afraid that simply being in the building will cause me to have significant issues later. What a mess! My emotional brain is going full force and isn't letting me go.
My worst nightmare is a situation such as the ones that we are going to train in today.
It is one thing if I have a group of kids to center on getting to safety, but being alone in the situation really does freak me out!
Well, I'm off into the world to try to escape a situation which is part of my nightmares. Welcome to 2017 and the new school reality.
LATER THE SAME DAY...
I tried. I really tried to go through with the scenarios, but I started an anxiety attack during the description part of the discussion and then chickened out of the scenarios. I went back to my new office and cried when I heard the gun shots...every single time.
Part of my brain is totally supporting my decision to be a wimp. The other part is ashamed of how cowardly I am. Me? I'm glad that everything is over for another year (at least).
I hope I can sleep all the way through the night tonight. It's been a long time since I was able to do that. Vicks on the feet and a loudly purring cat should help with sleep.
My rational brain knows the reason behind this training. Schools are vulnerable to attack by people who have several different agendas. It is unfortunate that this is the case, but it is. Schools contain vulnerable and protected people (the future) and have a huge impact on idea development and subsequent actions. School attacks make statements, so we who work in schools have to learn how to keep the children in our care safe and alive. My rational brain knows why we are going to do this.
My emotional brain, however, is freaking out! I've been having anxiety dreams since this training has been announced. All of my dreams have been centered on work situations, and I've awakened each time in a sweat. I don't know what is causing what - the night sweats or the dreams. I fluctuate between wanting to participate in this situation and wanting to opt out before it even starts. I'm afraid that I'll be considered wimpy or cowardly if I don't participate, but I'm also afraid that simply being in the building will cause me to have significant issues later. What a mess! My emotional brain is going full force and isn't letting me go.
My worst nightmare is a situation such as the ones that we are going to train in today.
It is one thing if I have a group of kids to center on getting to safety, but being alone in the situation really does freak me out!
Well, I'm off into the world to try to escape a situation which is part of my nightmares. Welcome to 2017 and the new school reality.
LATER THE SAME DAY...
I tried. I really tried to go through with the scenarios, but I started an anxiety attack during the description part of the discussion and then chickened out of the scenarios. I went back to my new office and cried when I heard the gun shots...every single time.
Part of my brain is totally supporting my decision to be a wimp. The other part is ashamed of how cowardly I am. Me? I'm glad that everything is over for another year (at least).
I hope I can sleep all the way through the night tonight. It's been a long time since I was able to do that. Vicks on the feet and a loudly purring cat should help with sleep.
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