Adapting to the Current Situation...Full of the Unknown

I don't know about you, but there is so much happening right now that I can't really seem to keep up. My church job has been canceled for this week, my school is on Spring Break and we haven't heard what's next, my big step outside my comfort zone was canceled, and my medical procedure yesterday was postponed - AFTER I DID ALL THE PREPARATION! I am in a state of feeling sorry for myself and then shame spiraling because I have it pretty good these days and then my "shoulda" goblin comes out to play.

His name is "Ishoulda."

My internal critic comes out to play. "You SHOULD be contributing something big to the world of music therapy right now." "You SHOULD be creating good music." "You SHOULDN'T be sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself because you have things pretty good these days." "You SHOULDN'T be stressing about not knowing what is going on." "You SHOULD remember that you aren't as bad off as others. You SHOULD be supporting them however you can because your situation is a bit less risky right now."

I am not a person who is extremely spontaneous.

Is that a surprise to you? If so, surprise. If not, there you go. I like to plan things out, and I find great joy and relaxation in the planning process. I love to sit down with my books and charts and think through how I am going to do specific things. If I commit to something - an event or a visit or something like that - then I have gone through all the possible scenarios that I can think of and have found that something to be something valuable to me. All of this to say that EVERYTHING I have planned for this break from work has just fizzled out. Everything except the stress associated with these things.

I don't deal well with having events in my life that have to be done and require many different steps to complete just disappear from my plans because of things out of my control.

I like being in control.

Again, a surprise??

Right now, the world is out of my control. Even my little piece of the world is not under my control. Things are changing from moment to moment, and I am not able to keep up. This is the very definition of anxiety for me - things beyond my control. So, I am, at the moment, in a constant state of anxiety during all of this happening in the world.

I am not anxious about getting coronavirus. I figure that if I get it, I'll get it. I'm more concerned about what I will do to keep myself going if my school closes. (As of this moment, we are on break so we have no decision about whether we are coming back to school next week or not. Not knowing is messing with my anxiety.) I have to reschedule the medical procedure that I was supposed to be recovering from today. More stress and anxiety there. When will it be happening? How much time will I waste on this one? It was two and a half days of reading the preparation requirements, money for the preparation medications, stress, anxiety dreams, coordinating transportation, and then...nothing. I didn't even want the procedure to start with but had to do it. Now I get to go through all that again! More anxiety dreams (they started up again this morning) to tire me out and keep me from doing what I need to do - sleep.

I SHOULD quit the self-pity stuff and get to the problem-solving part of all of this situation.

I have plenty of food in my pantry. I do not need to go out to get food right now. I have enough money in savings to cover a couple of months of expenses. I have been by myself for plenty of time, and I can handle the isolation just fine (it pays to be an introvert these days). I have plenty of things to do in my home - I am in the middle of a purge right now. That REALLY needs to continue to happen and a couple of unexpected weeks off would be very helpful in this process. I have some ideas for some music therapy planning videos that I can record and then edit. That will take up some time.

I just don't like now knowing what will happen in the next couple of weeks...but this is a growth experience for us all.