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Hormonal Reset and the Return of the Rational Brain Function

Getting older is no joke. Now, if you aren't of "a certain age," then this post may not make much sense to you now, but it will eventually make a bit of sense when you start to feel that age is a contributing factor in the decisions that you make for yourself and those around you. I have spent the last week in the midst of perimenopausal emotion swings and angst and hysterical sobbing and a complete an utter failure to be able to focus on things outside of myself. My emotions, combined with personal grief, incapacitated me in my role as a therapist. I was not able to engage in therapy and so I spent my session time engaging clients in passive music experiences rather than challenging them in their goal areas. I had to do this due to my own instability and fragility. I took some time away from sessions because I didn't want to cry in front of my clients. I'm not comfortable sharing that part of myself with them. Right or wrong, it was the decision that I made for m
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Processing Emotions by Someone Who Doesn't Like Having Emotions

I am feeling pretty good today - lots less of the hysterics that have been happening the past two days and lots more of the rational brain kicking in (so far, at least). I thank you for reading over my posts lately. I know that these emotions are not comfortable for me to have or to share, but the ability to write things down and then put them out in the world is an important part of my process in handling things that I am uncomfortable with - and sharing my feelings is one of those things that I have difficulty doing. Isn't it strange that I have difficulty sharing my own feelings? This is literally what I encourage my clients to do all the time - share how they feel. Yet, when someone asks me, I tend to just cry. That is my emotional communication style. I cry. I always have, and I hate crying in front of other people because I always cry. I try to stuff my emotional response down as far as I can, but I also know that stuffing emotions is not healthy. It's a strange conundrum

WARNING: Hyperemotional Post - Challenges on a Blessed Day - Yesterday Was Rough

Yesterday was a day that broke me. Not because of the inauguration - I am thrilled for our country and our direction at the moment - but because of something that happened 1500 miles away from me at my Mom's house. She had a huge tree fall in a wind storm and fall onto the neighbor's property, taking out a satellite dish and other stuff that hasn't been discovered yet, I am sure. My sister sent me one picture and I lost it. I started into hysterical sobbing and just couldn't fathom being able to lead music therapy sessions while snorting and crying and being completely taken over by my emotions, so I left my intern alone and drove home to sob in private rather than in public. I am still a bit sobby, but I have to go to work - I have no choice. I am hoping that there are no more incidents at Mom's house because I just can't cope with the things that I already have to deal with. My plate is full.  I know that this is part of the grief process. I know this. I know


I am sitting here, trying to make sure that I remember all the things that I need to do for today. I have an appointment with the new accountant for one of my work responsibilities today, and I think I will ask her to be my new accountant for myself as well. I am in need of some recommendations for myself as well as for the business I work for. Ugh. Taxes for this organization are the cause of 95% of my anxiety about this work. I hate it, and I know nothing! Okay. Small anxiety episode starting right now. Breathe and breathe and breathe. Everything will be fine. Fiddle around a bit with the iPod, and anxiety episode somewhat averted... somewhat.  I am trying to remember my schedule for today. To be frank, remembering my schedule has become a herculean task due to all the changes that have occurred since March 2020. I never know what day it is or who I will be seeing, so trying to figure out that schedule in my head before I go to work is something I do to prepare myself. I think I know

Making Sure of My Ideals and My Dreams

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and it is inauguration eve. These are two days that always inspire some reflection in me, and when they coincide, the reflections tend to be deeper than when they happen separately. This year, this reflection seems more important to me than any other time in my life so far. I try not to talk too much about politics on this blog because it is a topic that frustrates me deeply and that often has no influence on how I do the job that I want to do with my clients. I avoid arguments about politics because they are opinion-based rather than fact-based (often), and I believe that every person is entitled to have their own opinions about things (whether they are wrong === sarcasm!).  This year, however, the events that have happened in the political arena have spilled out of the container that I like to keep them in to permeate every part of our collectives lives. There is no hiding away from what has been happening to us all - the Black Lives Matter protes

Emerging After Diving Down Deep

I didn't blog for an entire week - mainly because grief caught up with me and kept me from doing much of anything. When I woke up on Monday morning, I couldn't face the idea of going to work, so I opted to take my bereavement leave. I spent three days doing things around the house, attempting to help my sister with changing passwords and arranging account information (which I failed at since everything has to be authenticated and I live two hours ahead and do not have access to Dad's cellphone...), and then deciding that it was finally time to put my bedroom into a new configuration. That project is still 77% finished - it has remained in that state since Wednesday when I got tired of it all. All I need to do is to finish the decluttering thing and throw stuff that I no longer want or need completely away! I went back to work on Thursday and Friday and did pretty well. One of my clients stated that his dog died during break, and I almost lost it, but I was able to keep my c

The Convenience of Modern Life

  I am currently in a stage of nostalgia and attempts to distract myself from thinking too much about the past several weeks, so I have been thinking about our technological advances in my lifetime and in my parents' lifetime as well. I was watching a documentary that came up on my YouTube suggestions list (I wonder why this came up for me...I haven't been looking at these types of things before...) that was narrated by Walter Cronkite (famous newsman) all about predictions about life in the year 2001. It was interesting to see what folks thought would be happening in that year, long gone now. Some of the predictions were correct, some didn't happen until later, and others were completely wrong. This interests me - I am a person who thinks about the future of music therapy on a regular basis, so any sort of futuristic predictions are part of that construct. One of my escapes over the past week has been writing a story. I am writing a book about music therapy (sort of) in a