Emerging After Diving Down Deep

I didn't blog for an entire week - mainly because grief caught up with me and kept me from doing much of anything. When I woke up on Monday morning, I couldn't face the idea of going to work, so I opted to take my bereavement leave. I spent three days doing things around the house, attempting to help my sister with changing passwords and arranging account information (which I failed at since everything has to be authenticated and I live two hours ahead and do not have access to Dad's cellphone...), and then deciding that it was finally time to put my bedroom into a new configuration. That project is still 77% finished - it has remained in that state since Wednesday when I got tired of it all. All I need to do is to finish the decluttering thing and throw stuff that I no longer want or need completely away!

I went back to work on Thursday and Friday and did pretty well. One of my clients stated that his dog died during break, and I almost lost it, but I was able to keep my composure and help him process the event. I keep getting sympathy cards that make me start to cry (my primary way of expressing any emotion), but my crying jags are less furious and less draining. My family and I are able to talk about Dad without crying, and I think that we are getting used to the idea that he is gone now. I have saved a voice message from my Mom because it occurred to me that I don't have Dad's voice anymore. I want to record the outgoing message on his answering service just so I can hear him occasionally. Of course, hearing "you have reached...we're not able to come to the phone right now. Please leave a message" won't be as satisfying as actually talking to him, but it would be something.

I know that this is part of the process of grief, and I am able to identify where we all are in our cycle. I tend to waffle between acceptance and devastation. This is one of those topics that I know just a little bit too much about, and it is both good and bad at the same time.

I am trying to get myself put together enough to get things together. This is a busy time of year for me, so I have to be able to get tasks done. I am emerging.

I'm striving to write all week - get back into my blogging routine again - so I'll see you all tomorrow...