Early Morning Thoughts and Feelings

It is my last full day of visiting home, and I am not handling the end very well. I love this place and these people, and now I am the only one who isn't living here, so I am the oddball now. I don't want to be leaving, but my job is elsewhere, so I have to go...back...to bitter temperatures and a job where I don't feel all that valued...

(Please note that most of the comments that I am making here are colored by the fact that I have only one more day to be in this wonderland, and I DON'T WANT TO GO!)

The end of a visit almost always makes me wonder if there are things I can do in order to stay, but I just can't see possibilities beyond what I know. I do know this - I will be returning home for good at some point. (I got to start buying lottery tickets!) 

My sister has arranged my last day here. I am going to stay at her house tonight. We will be going to her neighborhood block party (I'm her excuse for not staying for very long), and we may go to see Star Wars again (I don't have that fact verified, but I suspect it is so) before I get to stay at her new house (I'm the first house guest!). Tomorrow, we will stop by my parents' house to say goodbye and then she will drop me off at the airport. I'll find my gate, some food, and then travel back to my home. It is supposed to be very cold when I arrive, so I have packed things so I can access my pajama bottoms and all my socks for the transitions from airport to shuttle, shuttle to car, ice scraping, and journey back to my house. Getting frostbite would just add so much more angst to the entire process of returning to a place I really don't want to be at the moment.

I get a bit of time (one night) before I return to work on the 2nd. I am going to try my best to have a good attitude for that return to work, but I always struggle with being pleasant while I am stuck listening to lectures that have nothing to do with me. This is going to be one of them. I think I'll take my laptop and work on presentations because I know that I will be asked to do things that aren't possible for my service area. There has to be something positive about having to waste time. I will try really hard to find that positive thing. Really hard.

When I do get home, I will have a cat to cuddle. I will have a day to sleep and get ready for the day of inservice training and a return to work. I have one goal - I want to find my visual aid book where I put it in boxes years ago. If I find the book, I can make the decks of cards that I want to have for centers (it all goes back to centers these days) really easily - copy, cut, laminate, and cut. If I don't find the book, I can also make the cards, but they will not look as pretty. I really want to find that book. I thought about buying another one, but it seems to be getting rare, so is getting more and more expensive.

I will be preparing my clinic space for the start of centers and for a possible intern! I have some things that need to be stored a bit differently so kids can access them easily, but I also need to think about where I can put those materials for storage when I am not around. I cannot leave anything out in my room. People seem to think that if it is in my room, it is available for use at any time. I don't happen to share that thought. I get tired of my things being taken, so I lock everything up. I need to rearrange and organize which I will do on Tuesday after training and on Friday during my preparation and planning time.

For the moment, however, I want to simply soak in the opportunity of being home. I want to wallow in the love that is here. I want to spend some time being mindful of the feelings that I have about leaving and the ones that I have about wanting to stay. I will open myself up to possibilities and will dream big for this new year.


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