Self-Care and Guilt and Feeling Responsible
I am in the midst of a self-care dilemma.
Yesterday, the second day of this new school year, I started a migraine headache. I can always tell when my migraines are coming on because I get a visual aura (mine is a crescent-shaped series of sparkles - very pretty, but very difficult to see past) before the headache starts. After my third session, I wasn't able to see the entire right side of anything. I waited until my partial blindness subsided, and then I went home. I ended up sleeping all afternoon, waking up to talk to a friend and family members on the phone, and then went to sleep for the night. I woke up this morning, shivering and unable to get warm. I am now sitting in front of the computer, wearing my heaviest sweater coat, trying to get my body to feel warmth.
I am struggling with feelings of guilt and responsibility as I am deciding whether to stay home another day or attempt to do my job.
(By the way, I am leaning towards staying home, so I probably will do so.)
It is difficult to go to work when I cannot handle light in the environment. (I am not sure if I can handle sounds right now - everything is very quiet at 4:42am) I am also freezing cold which is not like me at all. My personal sensations are not conducive to other-focus right now. So, self-care is something to focus on first and foremost.
I know these things in an intellectual format, but it becomes much more convoluted when I start to use my emotions to make decisions.
Guilt sets in.
As I am here, going through the motions of making my decision about staying home, I start to hear the voices of clients who will complain to me tomorrow that they didn't get music therapy today. I start to think about the meeting I will miss by not going in, and I start to think about the mess I will return to after an absence.
I also have responsibilities to the clients I serve. Fortunately, music therapy is not an IEP-related service for my students - it is an educational enrichment service, so I do not have to make up sessions. (That's difficult to do when you see 40-50 students a day.) I do, however, have clients and staff members who need to understand the way that music therapy works in the facility, and I hate to be gone. It is also the first week of the school year. THE FIRST WEEK!
The guilt just builds up.
This guilt and idea of responsibility was installed in me by my parents who always said things like, "if you're well enough to play outside, you're well enough to go to school."
When I talk to others about self-care, I emphasize that a modicum of self-care, applied when needed, can stave off crises later. If I take some time to rest and get my brain back into a neutral state now, my responses and reactions to clients will be more genuine and other-focused rather than produced through a pain-induced reaction. A bad therapist can do more damage than an absent therapist (in my opinion). The guilt will be there, but is so much less than the guilt of doing something in a session that ruins a therapeutic relationship or causes hurt to a client through inattention or inability to respond appropriately. It is better to take the time to heal and then return to the therapy setting than it is to try to get through it and go through the motions.
The headache is starting up again, so I am taking that as a cue to bundle up, call in to work, and go back to sleep.
Take care of yourself, Dear Reader. You are important, and it is important for you to take care of self before others.
Yesterday, the second day of this new school year, I started a migraine headache. I can always tell when my migraines are coming on because I get a visual aura (mine is a crescent-shaped series of sparkles - very pretty, but very difficult to see past) before the headache starts. After my third session, I wasn't able to see the entire right side of anything. I waited until my partial blindness subsided, and then I went home. I ended up sleeping all afternoon, waking up to talk to a friend and family members on the phone, and then went to sleep for the night. I woke up this morning, shivering and unable to get warm. I am now sitting in front of the computer, wearing my heaviest sweater coat, trying to get my body to feel warmth.
I am struggling with feelings of guilt and responsibility as I am deciding whether to stay home another day or attempt to do my job.
(By the way, I am leaning towards staying home, so I probably will do so.)
It is difficult to go to work when I cannot handle light in the environment. (I am not sure if I can handle sounds right now - everything is very quiet at 4:42am) I am also freezing cold which is not like me at all. My personal sensations are not conducive to other-focus right now. So, self-care is something to focus on first and foremost.
I know these things in an intellectual format, but it becomes much more convoluted when I start to use my emotions to make decisions.
Guilt sets in.
As I am here, going through the motions of making my decision about staying home, I start to hear the voices of clients who will complain to me tomorrow that they didn't get music therapy today. I start to think about the meeting I will miss by not going in, and I start to think about the mess I will return to after an absence.
I also have responsibilities to the clients I serve. Fortunately, music therapy is not an IEP-related service for my students - it is an educational enrichment service, so I do not have to make up sessions. (That's difficult to do when you see 40-50 students a day.) I do, however, have clients and staff members who need to understand the way that music therapy works in the facility, and I hate to be gone. It is also the first week of the school year. THE FIRST WEEK!
The guilt just builds up.
This guilt and idea of responsibility was installed in me by my parents who always said things like, "if you're well enough to play outside, you're well enough to go to school."
When I talk to others about self-care, I emphasize that a modicum of self-care, applied when needed, can stave off crises later. If I take some time to rest and get my brain back into a neutral state now, my responses and reactions to clients will be more genuine and other-focused rather than produced through a pain-induced reaction. A bad therapist can do more damage than an absent therapist (in my opinion). The guilt will be there, but is so much less than the guilt of doing something in a session that ruins a therapeutic relationship or causes hurt to a client through inattention or inability to respond appropriately. It is better to take the time to heal and then return to the therapy setting than it is to try to get through it and go through the motions.
The headache is starting up again, so I am taking that as a cue to bundle up, call in to work, and go back to sleep.
Take care of yourself, Dear Reader. You are important, and it is important for you to take care of self before others.
You don't sound well enough to play outside. Also, if you were, it would still be ok to take the day off and care for yourself.
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