Friday: Sending Subliminal Messages
I was talking to my friend yesterday while she was working on nametags for one of her groups. She had an entire stack of puppy nametags and one monster nametag. She wrote the name of one of the most difficult to like clients on the monster nametag and the names of all of the others on the puppy nametags. She handed me the stack and asked me if I noticed anything amiss. I immediately picked up on the not-so-subtle message included with the theme.
I think we often send such messages to our clients - sometimes purposefully, sometimes less so. I talk to folks all the time about sending out "I Don't Trust You" messages and how those types of interactions can really harm relationships. How can a person really sink into an interaction when the message from the other person includes conflicting messages of "do something, but only the way I want you to do something, not your own way, but my way" - how can a person feel trusted?
Okay, I'm projecting quite a bit here, but there is something about being asked to do something and then having someone else come around behind you and "do it right."
I'm guilty of this. I ask clients to help me and then I correct what they do right in front of them. That doesn't signal that I am in a good space - I have to make things right, not see how someone else does the same task in their own way.
This week was a good example of how much I have to control my environment. We used the drum set in most of my sessions (not all of them - some of the high school girls were LESS than interested). I was using the set assembly task as a cooperative task, executive function skill development task, and social interaction task. I made pictures and set up an instruction book. Kids took turns moving drum set pieces to a central location. Then, they drummed. After the drumming was over, they "helped" me put the drum set back into the corner.
Now, my music therapy space is not large at all. I have to put things into a very small space and then compress them even more so everything else can fit. So, when people put pieces of the drum set in the corner, there is a pattern to it so everything can fit into a small piece. It's a puzzle. I know this puzzle really well, but my kids don't really demonstrate an understanding of my needs during the process of putting things away. The drum set is never put away the right way when someone else does the job. The kids spent time putting things away. They were excited to help me, especially since my knee is broken, and I'm not supposed to be picking things up and moving them. They put the drum set pieces away in the order I had asked them to do, but nothing is tucked away into the corner the way I need them to be tucked away. (Here that "I need" part? Why do I "need" the drums in any specific way? Just my own thoughts and silly requirements.) It took all my strength to leave those drums just where they were.
If I had gone over to the drum set during the music therapy session and repacked the drum pieces the way I need them to be packed, my clients would have noticed that what they did was not good enough for me. That's an "I Don't Trust You and I Don't Value What You Do" message - not something a therapist should be sending out into the world.
The drum set is spread out all over the music room this morning. I'll spend some of my lonely light duty time in placing the pieces together in the puzzle so that the instruments don't take up valuable client seating space and so that the drum set is not as available during group sessions to wandering fingers. When my clients return to music therapy on Monday, they may notice that I moved things around, they may not.
The student whose nametag is completely different from the others may notice, but knowing him, he'll decide that it is a compliment rather than another message completely. It's important to understand the type of messages that each of send into the world, especially when we are working with others or trying to foster growth and group interaction with others.
Think about your messages - subliminal and overt. How are you interacting with the other people in your life? Are you clear about your expectations and willing to let others complete them in their own way? I still struggle with this, but I am working on it with every moment.
Happy Friday!
I think we often send such messages to our clients - sometimes purposefully, sometimes less so. I talk to folks all the time about sending out "I Don't Trust You" messages and how those types of interactions can really harm relationships. How can a person really sink into an interaction when the message from the other person includes conflicting messages of "do something, but only the way I want you to do something, not your own way, but my way" - how can a person feel trusted?
Okay, I'm projecting quite a bit here, but there is something about being asked to do something and then having someone else come around behind you and "do it right."
I'm guilty of this. I ask clients to help me and then I correct what they do right in front of them. That doesn't signal that I am in a good space - I have to make things right, not see how someone else does the same task in their own way.
This week was a good example of how much I have to control my environment. We used the drum set in most of my sessions (not all of them - some of the high school girls were LESS than interested). I was using the set assembly task as a cooperative task, executive function skill development task, and social interaction task. I made pictures and set up an instruction book. Kids took turns moving drum set pieces to a central location. Then, they drummed. After the drumming was over, they "helped" me put the drum set back into the corner.
Now, my music therapy space is not large at all. I have to put things into a very small space and then compress them even more so everything else can fit. So, when people put pieces of the drum set in the corner, there is a pattern to it so everything can fit into a small piece. It's a puzzle. I know this puzzle really well, but my kids don't really demonstrate an understanding of my needs during the process of putting things away. The drum set is never put away the right way when someone else does the job. The kids spent time putting things away. They were excited to help me, especially since my knee is broken, and I'm not supposed to be picking things up and moving them. They put the drum set pieces away in the order I had asked them to do, but nothing is tucked away into the corner the way I need them to be tucked away. (Here that "I need" part? Why do I "need" the drums in any specific way? Just my own thoughts and silly requirements.) It took all my strength to leave those drums just where they were.
If I had gone over to the drum set during the music therapy session and repacked the drum pieces the way I need them to be packed, my clients would have noticed that what they did was not good enough for me. That's an "I Don't Trust You and I Don't Value What You Do" message - not something a therapist should be sending out into the world.
The drum set is spread out all over the music room this morning. I'll spend some of my lonely light duty time in placing the pieces together in the puzzle so that the instruments don't take up valuable client seating space and so that the drum set is not as available during group sessions to wandering fingers. When my clients return to music therapy on Monday, they may notice that I moved things around, they may not.
The student whose nametag is completely different from the others may notice, but knowing him, he'll decide that it is a compliment rather than another message completely. It's important to understand the type of messages that each of send into the world, especially when we are working with others or trying to foster growth and group interaction with others.
Think about your messages - subliminal and overt. How are you interacting with the other people in your life? Are you clear about your expectations and willing to let others complete them in their own way? I still struggle with this, but I am working on it with every moment.
Happy Friday!
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