Thoughtful Thursday: Kindness

It's been a rough week around here - full of returning to routines, pain (thanks, Physical Therapist!!), angst and anxiety. While I have had to come to some peace about some things, I have struggled this week with everything put in front of me. This quotation from Seneca reminds me that while it takes an effort to be kind to others, it is a choice that is there to be made.

Kindness is something that is inherent in the lives of most therapists (I think - it seems to be a job requirement to be kind), and there are times in my music therapy life when I struggle to find my kindness. Fortunately, most of those times aren't directed towards clients (though I have had and will have some clients that are difficult to be kind to). 

For me, the concept and practice of kindness is rooted in empathy. Empathy is defined as "the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions." When you are able to reflect on how another person interpreted your actions into their own experience and emotion, often you can see where the root of the response comes from.

 I had my Wednesday afternoon group yesterday. Since I was gone, the make-up of the group has changed. Many of the students that made up the class have moved on. There is still a core group of students who are not going anywhere (they are day students), but there are also five new faces in the group. I met four out of five of those faces yesterday.

 There was one young man who displayed lots of impulsivity, sexual grooming behaviors, and inappropriate touch. Most of his behaviors were directed towards a peer who is more significantly involved in diagnoses, and he was having lots of difficulty remaining within my expectations. I'm not sure if this student arrived during the "sub plan" time of the last month or not - he may have a completely different set of expectations for what music is than I do. I spent most of the session asking him to have personal space, to complete simple one-step directions, and leave his peer alone. He hit a redirection saturation point and started yelling at me to stop yelling at him. His classroom staff member mentioned that I wasn't yelling at him, but his perception is that redirection means yelling. I reminded him of his point system and that his socially acceptable behavior would lead to earning points. He continued to yell at me about yelling at him. I waited. Eventually he was able to complete some coping behaviors and calm.

 Looking deeper into why this response may have happened (I can never truly know since I am not privy to how he interprets sensory stimuli), I can see that there was lots of talking in the room during the incident, his peer was starting to get annoyed, another peer was trying to demand some attention, and yet others were making comments about how annoying he was being during the group. My voice, added to the rest, may have felt like yelling to him. (It really wasn't. I may have to demonstrate my "yell" to show him the difference between talking and my full-on yell - I've done that before to illustrate what could happen...) It took some doing on my part, but I am a practiced therapist and was able to decrease the sensory stimulation, move the peer out of the session for a short break, and then get the group back into a cohesive whole to finish our therapy session. By the end of the session, he was initiating conversation with me about a shared interest - Star Wars - and we were listening to that wonderful theme by John Williams when he transitioned back to class.

 That situation could have gone a completely different way.

 It didn't because of the conscious choice of kindness - not just my choice, but the choices of his peers, his classroom staff, and ultimately his own choice to interact within the expectations and directions offered.

 No punches were thrown. No one had to be assisted out of the session. Overall, a good music therapy session for the staff members of this classroom (the new kids don't know any better).

 Make kindness a conscious choice (wait, who am I speaking to?? Y'all are therapists so you do this all the time). Make kindness a conscious choice when you have to break bad news to someone. Think about their response before you barrel in and change their world. Be kind. Be gentle. Remember that the person who receives you and your message is a fellow human being who deserves kindness no matter what.



Definition of Empathy. Retrieved January 7, 2016 from: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy 

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