Sitting Here, Smiling

picture of a woman with mask down around her chin, headphones on her ears, and grinning at the camera.
I was sitting at my computer yesterday when I realized that I was grinning. I wasn't looking at anything or doing much of anything important, but I was smiling. It has been so long since I had a smile on my face just because that it felt a bit foreign to me.

I took yesterday off from work, using some of my precious sick time to have a mental health day. It was a good day. I packed up some of my craft room stuff, the rest of the clothing, and some of my books. I felt like I had accomplished quite a bit, and I was smiling!

I know that this doesn't seem like such a big thing, but it is not my usual way of dealing with the world. At least, it hasn't been my way lately.

I can't really remember the last time I just felt happy in my own skin the way I felt yesterday.

The last year and many months have been difficult, to say the least, and I think I haven't really felt like things were coming together until yesterday. I have worked with clients through almost all of the pandemic. I had one period of time where I had to work away from my clients, and I found that sort of situation was not good for me. I have been through masks, double masks, a futile situation with double masks AND a face shield, and several iterations of all of the above. I have gone through a significant hand injury, the death of my father, the death of my cat, the death of my cousin, and constant insecurities about the outside world. I am scared of getting the virus in a kind of "it's always there, in the back of my mind, but doesn't keep me from doing what I need to do" type of thing. I am always tired to the point of only being awake to work. I hate that feeling. Nothing seems to be fitting the way I want it to fit.

But...

Yesterday, as I sat staring at my computer screen, wondering what was so strange about me at that moment, I realized that I was just smiling.

Was I tired? You bet. I had been toting totes and boxes out of the closet to fill up with stuff all day. Was I stressed? Unh-huh. Packing is my least favorite of all tasks, but it has to be done. Was it a nice day outside? Nope. It was gray and not very pretty outside at all, but for some reason, I was smiling.

This may have something to do with the creative spurt that is happening right now. It may have something to do with my own upcoming life changes. It may have something to do with my brain chemistry (I think that may have more to do with things than I often realize). It may just be the effect of a day off. Who knows?

What I do know is that I am glad to be where I am at this moment, right now.

I am getting ready to go to work today. We are going to play UNO using my mini cards - we adapt the game to include instruments and counting. We are going to spend some time singing silly songs. We are going to enjoy the new carpeting and explore some other things - maybe some instruments. I hope that my smile lasts through a day of masking, singing, attempting to gain attention of groups that are not prone to paying attention, and all the way home for an evening of packing. I hope the smile also comes with a burst of energy to help me get through all of these things. We will see.

Rather than dwelling on the reasons behind my smile, I am going to enjoy it.

Have a smiling kind of day, all! 

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