Thoughtful Thursday: The Importance of Self-Care
I feel better today and was able to crawl out of bed without crying or falling, so that's a positive thing. I missed five groups yesterday, and my mother heaped a whole bunch of guilt on my head last night, so I am ashamed of the fact that I was unable to continue my therapy day after taking my shower and finding it difficult to move my legs to get over the side of the tub.
This is what always happens. I start off trying to be proactive with my self-care, but I end up feeling guilt and shame for taking time for that self-care which increases the need for self-care. It is a never ending loop of shame and guilt that is also exhausting. I know about shame cycles and all that, but the knowledge doesn't negate the feelings.
I often get sick at this time of year. It tends to be something around the corn harvest and starts off like allergies but morphs into upper respiratory infections and then settles into pneumonia. I am trying my best not to do this cycle this year, but I don't have full control over what my body does. Resting seems to help, but we will see.
My mom keeps saying that she is worried that I am putting my pension on the line by taking time off when I am sick. I'm not sure where that notion comes from. My pension is available no matter what. I work more than any other teacher in the state because of my required 12 month schedule - Extended School Years without opportunity for summers off. Taking time off will not change the fact that I have worked an extra 31 days every year that I have not received credit for with the pension situation. An extra 930 days of work that the state does not count as part of my years of service. That is the equivalent of 4+years of service. So, if I take my time off, I still have four years of work that I have done. My pension is safe.
It is interesting how thoughts become shame and guilt.
I am engaging in my usual self-care practices, but rest is something that is essential right now. I have to listen to my body and take a lead from what I feel from within. So, when I get to the point where I cannot keep my eyes open, am struggling to get into the tub to take a shower, and hurt all over, it is time for more focus on what my body needs.
Okay.
I am finishing up my therapy week with four groups today and two groups tomorrow. Next week is a shorter week - only 16 groups rather than 21 - so I have to figure out something to share that one entire group will miss out on. Everyone else can catch up, but one group will end up missing out completely on what I do with all of them. So, do I do the easy thing next week and share the country of the month or do I do something else and postpone country of the month until the week after? That's a question for tomorrow's prep/plan day.
I still feel guilty for taking the day off from work yesterday. I didn't want to tell my mother that I took the day off, but I was honest and then received the guilt trip. There will be some guilt from students next week for the one group that I only see once per week and some more from the ones that I see twice per week, especially since those groups are the ones that I will miss on Monday for our holiday. So much guilt.
Anyway, after all of this, I appreciate and am happy that I took the time after listening to my body. I slept a bit, rested more, nourished my body and spirit.
Self-care is important and guilt should not be part of the equation when things happen. Guilt always seeps into my self-care, however. It's a mess!
I am going to take my messy self into the world, do some therapy stuff, and then come back here at the end of the day to fall into my bed and try to sleep. I am tired still, but not at the level of exhaustion that yesterday included. Off to do my job however it goes...
Thursday, right??
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