Being An Internship Director: On Hiatus

It is Monday again, and I am wiped out! There is just something about May that just makes me feel disjointed. At this moment, I have a Talent Show to coordinate, graduation music to provide, a school-wide carnival to work through, and then a day of school district schmoozing and training to survive before a week of medical testing before our extended school year starts up. So, this is a busy time of year, and I am feeling the pinch just like I always do.

I am still in the process of deciding about my internship program. I have six incomplete applications in my files at this moment. No applicant has completed their application except for one who did not want to pursue the internship. I have one application for January 2025, but it is also not complete. I am hoping that I will get a completed application really soon so I can move forward with the process of evaluation, audition, and interview. We will see what will happen.

This application situation makes me wonder what is going on, and as always, I am thinking this is something that I am doing. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with what I am trying to offer to the music therapy world??

(Now, this is my emotional brain blaming myself - NOT my rational brain. My rational brain knows that there are things that I cannot control about applicants, but my emotional brain makes it all personal!)

To be completely honest, I am enjoying time to myself right now. I have always loved doing more than less, and I have been able to be the primary therapist for four months as of right now. I enjoy being in the therapist role, and giving it up to interns is always something that I struggle with during their times with us. It is difficult for me to watch and not engage with my clients.

So, I am still at a crossroads here.

On the one hand, I am still trying to recruit music therapy students to my program, but on the other hand, I am glad that none of them have completed their applications. When it is their fault that I cannot move forward rather than their own, I feel a bit better about having an empty internship position (or three at a time). After all that, though, I get back to myself and what I could be doing wrong to have so many incomplete applications and applicants who do not want to come to an interview.

The next time someone starts crying about "the lack of internship positions" in this country, I am going to start to scream. I do not think that there is a "lack of internship positions" in the music therapy community. My internship remains empty for the next six months, making an entire year of positions that are not full. I think there is a shift away from volunteer internships, and I can understand that but cannot offer a stipend at my facility.

So, in light of the fact that interns want to be paid for their time as students, I guess it is better to just acknowledge that I cannot provide that money and close down. I have two years and a month before I retire from this position. I plan on leaving completely when I hit retirement age because I want to be able to physically move. This job and my body are not working well with each other, so I have a ticking countdown. Closing my internship would help me with one less thing to stress about as part of my job, but it seems like giving up.

Internship director has been part of my music therapy identity for so long that I am reluctant to stop. If no one wants to be in my program, then there is no reason to continue if it is just for me and my identity. Now would be a good time to close down since I do not have any complete applications. My internship could evaporate, and I could devote more time to music therapy and other things - I guess.

I wonder what I will end up doing. What will January 2025 me be writing about on this topic? I think I will give myself until the end of July to make a decision about staying open for the next two years or closing up shop for good. Deadlines are helpful when I find myself in these situations. 

End of July - decision. 

I will do my best to think through all of this rationally rather than emotionally. Thank you for being on this journey with me.

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