Break Chronicles: Day Seven - Four Days to Go
I am starting to get into the holiday funk that happens to me sometimes. I start to feel squirmy because there are things that I want to get done but can't because those things are there instead of being here. In addition, I want to play with all my Mom's crafting toys, but I am scared to because they are her toys and not my own. I know that she would be fine with me using the stamps and the punches and the dies and all that, but I feel like I should ask before helping myself to her things. It is the polite thing to do.
As I look around the room I am staying in, I can see where I get my tendency to acquire and keep things. There are ten shelving units that are completely full of crafting supplies around the walls of this room. This is the paper crafting room - she has a sewing room, a yarn room, and all sorts of things tucked into various bureaus all over the house.
My mother is a serial crafter. What I mean by that is she will work on one project for a long time, making as many things as she is interested in, and then she moves on to a different project. Right now, she seems to be in a crocheting mood rather than a paper crafting mood, so her projects are small, crocheted baby dolls with clothing and baby layettes and buntings. All of her projects are donated to the local Ronald McDonald house and to families with babies in the NICU, so those projects leave the house once they are finished. For her, the process of making is more important than having things, so she makes many copies of her projects. She does not have a good distribution system other than the friend who takes things to the various hospitals around here. She resists the idea of selling her projects but seems to be intrigued by the idea. I keep chipping away at the resistance as much as possible.
So, I come by my craftiness and my tendency to get and keep things though both nature and nurture.
My sister is a different sort of artist. She gets materials for her project, and then finishes one product. She isn't as interested in paper crafting as my Mom and I are, but she does paint and is an excellent interior designer. She makes lots of home decorations for herself, for me, and for her friends. The things that she does do not require as many bits and bobs, and she often has a clear idea of what she wants at the end. I think she is more product-oriented than process-oriented (like Mom is - she just wants to make things, and the more, the merrier!). It is interesting to see how my sister is able to do with less while Mom and I do not seem to be able to get away from wanting ALL the stuff!
Being here, surrounded by Mom's stuff makes me itch to get back to my house and organize my stuff. Compared to my Mother's things, my stuff is not all that much (even though it takes up a good half of my storage in my basement office!). I want to take the organizational system that I see here and transfer it to my own home, but I cannot because I am not there, I am here instead. I want to go to the container store and get more containers to put things into. I want to make labels for things. There are so many things I want to do when I am here, but I never really get them done when I am there.
Right now, at 4:24 am, I am trying to get my brain to think about the near future. I am working on the graphics for my word of the year and for some other projects that I want to launch. Mom wants my sister and I to go through our old toys to see what we want. We are going to spend some time together. I might be going out with my friend from junior high - we haven't "seen" each other since 1998 maybe?
My sister will be coming over after she takes my niece-at to the vet for shots and a check-up, so we might do something at that point. I am supposed to cook today, but I might ask if I can do that tomorrow instead since today is starting to fill up. I keep forgetting my schedule and think that I have one less day than I actually do. There is more time available than my brain can comprehend at this point.
I haven't really thought about going back to work at all. I know that I will be going back to work in about five days from now, but I haven't felt any interest in making things or planning things or buying things for my clients. I am just not interested in thinking about music therapy at this point. That makes me feel kinda sad because this is usually a time when I do start to get excited about the new year and the remaining half of the school year. This year is different, though. I am not all that excited about going back into my music therapy room. I keep thinking about retirement, and I don't like that state of being. I want to be excited to work with my kids, but I am not feeling that way...yet.
This isn't a new feeling for me. Over the 30 years I've been a music therapist, I have felt this way before, but I don't like it when I am really uninspired. This seems to be a common feeling amongst those who are working in education right now, and it is magnified when you work at a special purpose school like I do. None of the teaching staff is seeming happy. It is difficult to find joy in the work you do when everyone is unhappy - the teachers, the behavioral health technicians, and, especially, the clients!
One of the things that I hope will help me in the upcoming months is a return to being therapist rather than supervisor. I will go from watching someone else do music therapy with my students to being the one who does music therapy. This is usually one way to refresh and renew my love of this profession. I take breaks from being an intern supervisor as they arrive. It really does help me get back into the love of sharing music with my students. Something else that might help me get over my current depressed state is fixing my fingers so I can use them to play my instruments again.
I am still waiting on the hand specialist to call for an appointment, by the way, but at least it is the specialist that is close to home and NOT the one that was 50 miles from my home!!
So, today is going to be the turning point. There are significantly more days behind me than in front of me for this particular break. It is time to start my process of disconnecting from this home and gearing up for what I have to do in my house and my job. I have some new things to think about and a chance to play a bit while I am here, so I am going to take advantage and play.
Happy - what day is it again? Oh. Happy Thursday!
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