Ugh. That Didn't Work

Welcome to the malaise of my mind...

I tried my best to start doing some blogging in the afternoons, but, as you can see, this hasn't happened this week. I am not going to give up, though. I think that I will enjoy blogging in the afternoon, once it becomes a habit. I will do better...that's the plan...doing better.

This has been a week of pain, exhaustion, and revelations that have challenged my ways of thinking about myself and what I want to be doing. I looked up my retirement eligibility date this week on our Public Employees' Retirement System website and found out that it is June 1, 2026. This has shaken my world a bit because it is a definite date now - not just a thought. I may not retire at that point, but I might retire in 2026 at the end of the contract year, or I might go another year. I'm not sure at this point what my future will hold, but that's okay.

That's also a bit of why I was dithering about what I want to do in my future.

Here's what I want from my life once I retire from my current school job:

  • I want to work as a music therapist with a diverse clientele.
  • I want to be able to travel when I want to and where I want to.
  • I want to create things to sell to other people - music therapy things, crafty things, and all sorts of stuff.
  • I want to have time to talk to people about things that interest me.
  • I don't want to have to worry about money very much...
So, those are the things that I know I want from life after I retire from my school job. Many of the elements listed are things that I want to do with my life right now as well.

I want to get these things started for future self. I have many of the tools that I need to do these things. I just have to get myself started. So, today, I will take a first step towards the fourth goal here - talking to people about things that interest me. Opportunities do not just fall into your lap - you have to make things happen.

My biggest problem is taking rejection very seriously. This past month has included LOTS of rejection - both from me and for me. I tend to find a "no thank you, we found someone else" to be earth-shattering, and I hate sending out those types of things to other people. It is difficult to tell someone that you do not feel that they are a good fit for your clients and for your program. (That is the hardest part of being an internship director - letting an applicant know that they will not be accepted to the program.) It is also difficult to receive those notifications - again and again and again. This often gets translated into overwhelming negative thoughts in my brain, especially when I am exhausted and in the throes of serious allergies. Yuck.

Over the years, I have experienced all of these things before. I will experience all of these again. I will fail, but I will also succeed at things. (Aside - did you know that today is Duke Ellington's birthday?? - TANGENT!! It is difficult to hold a thought in my head today...) It is often hard to remember that in between the rejections, there are lots of successes.

To get myself into the mood of realizing the successes that I have right here and right now, I am going to make some things. I am going to create something to sell to someone else. I am in the right mood for making things, so I am going to make some books. I have some DVD/Blu-ray box covers that I am going to laminate and fill with paper. I have a book cover ready for the paper signatures to be stitched in - I just have to decide what color thread I want to use for the stitching process. I can get two books finished pretty quickly today - they just need their finishing touches! After that, who knows what I will make??

I ordered a mystery box from my local independent bookstore that will be delivered at some point today. Happy Independent Bookseller Day!! I will head out to the Dollar Tree and to Michaels to get the right thread for my book in progress. I need a magnetic paper pad to put inside my large filing cabinets at work for various notes, and the Dollar Tree is always good for a browse! If I time things right, I will be able to get to Michaels as it opens after cruising through the Dollar Tree. I need some teal embroidery floss or waxed thread to finish my cereal box book and something in the light purple (but not lavender) vein for my DVD book.

While I am crafting, I will also start making a list of the things that I have accomplished in the past month. The first one? Finding renewal in my creativity. Second? Putting myself out and trying things that I have never thought about trying before. Third? Being proactive about my mental and physical health. There you go - a good start to the list.

Time to go to the Dollar Tree and to Michaels for the things I need (ahem, want) for my projects. See you tomorrow? I hope so!

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