Snow Day, Snow Day, Snow Day! (Sung to the tune of the Conga Song, Of Course!!)

this picture will make sense - keep reading

It is a snow day.

My superintendent made the call yesterday afternoon, so I knew that I did not have to go to work today since yesterday, and I am embracing the day away from work. Yep, you read that right. I decided to stay home today. I am trying not to feel guilty about staying here, but it is a difficult reach for me. I feel guilty. So, time to embrace that feeling and then release it into the world. I may try to get out of my driveway tomorrow to get to work, but I might not. (I think we will have another snow day tomorrow, by the way.)

Today is already full of chores and things to do for work. I have to make some signs for an upcoming after school event run by the clinicians at my facility for our residents. I like making signs, so I am going to take this time to do this task. I will be Zooming with my intern who is also having to take a snow day at her house. I was able to finish up her busy box of things designed to stimulate her creativity and to increase my visual aid inventory if she runs out of things to do. I don't anticipate that she will run out of things to do, but you never do know. I believe in being prepared for just about any sort of thing. I also want to do a video for my sister's class of California kids who are talking about the book, The Snowy Day, by Ezra Jack Keats. They do not have much experience with snow in general, so I think I will film my trek across my street to take the trash out. I want to show them the amount of clothing that you have to put on, the act of moving things across a bunch of snow, and the way things look when snow is falling. I have already cancelled my choir practice for this evening, so I have nothing to do today except things that I put on the list of things to do.

I enjoyed having the luxury of not having to check the time this morning. I think I will set up my timed lamps in my bedroom today. I am feeling the need for an alarm of some sort - my way of waking is to have the light turn on. I startle too much when sound enters my environment, and I hate starting my day with a jumping heart when the music starts. So, I use a lamp. It is very effective for me, and I never fail to wake up when the light turns on. I also know, when my eyes open, if it is time to get up or not because of the presence or absence of light.

This morning, I entered a drowsing dream state. These dreams usually end up being stress or anxiety dreams, but this one was good. I dreamt that my Bella cat woke me up, accompanied me to the bathroom, and then sat on a window ledge behind my toilet. I do not have a ledge that will accommodate a cat behind my toilet, but it was definitely my new house. The house that Bella never saw. She meowed at me in her unique little way, and I gave her a kiss between her ears. I woke up then. I am crying about the dream now, but I was happy to see her during the dream. She was here, in my new house. I know where this came from, and I know why this is affecting me so much. I talked with interns about secondary trauma yesterday and then read an article about the importance of being present when a pet dies. Both of those things primed me to have this dream sequence this morning.

I miss her meows and her arguments and, while I know that she was sick and needed help to be at ease, I had to be there when she died, and that touches on all of my secondary trauma issues. I was also not able to be there when my father died two weeks later, so I am having feelings about all of my secondary traumas today. 

If you don't know, I have some trauma responses to death and dying. I apparently watched several people die while experiencing febrile convulsions in the emergency room when I was very small. I was unable to process what I saw happen and experienced some very specific behavioral changes after being in these situations. As a result, I know that I will never work in a hospice situation. My fear and trauma response is too severe for me to be an effective therapist. I also know that working in a hospital is not my future as well. Since my trauma is related to the hospital, I know that it is not the place for me to be a music therapist. I am glad that there are music therapists who can work in those situations, but it is not for me.

So, talking about my secondary trauma, being reminded of a difficult time, and then reading about pets in a situation that I have experienced primed me for this dream. I am happy that it was a happy dream, but it is making my snow day more emotional than I originally thought it would be. Maybe this is a sign that I am almost ready for another cat - and that Bella is okay with the idea of having another cat in my life. Maybe. I need to unpack and organize lots more before I can do that, but it is nice to get to the part where I am ready to share my space with another pet, even knowing that it will probably end up with having to sit by their side as they say goodbye to the world. I know now that I can do that, and I also know what to expect from me afterwards.

Wow. This really took a turn, didn't it?

I will spend some time during my snow day crying. I will spend some of my snow day sleeping. I will spend some of my time cooking today, I might even get fancy and bake cookies and make my favorite food things to eat this weekend. It is the weekend of the Online Conference for Music Therapy, and I have to finish up my subscription packet for my subscribers before the conference starts. That would be a good use of this snow day. I will put on my puffy coat, my hat, my gloves and my mittens (I use both), and my scarf to take the trash out to the curb and to film for my sister's students. I will also spend some time editing the video and then figuring out if my sister can access it. I have lots to do in this day, and it is already 7am. Time to get started.

Thanks for reading.