Now I Think It Is Me...

Yesterday was another rough day for my session - not for the ones that my intern ran, but MINE! I am starting to feel that this is a personal vendetta from my clients, but I know that is ridiculous. Today, I am heading into a full-moon (don't doubt, scoffers), upcoming winter storm, short-staffed, mess of a job to lead three groups. I am hoping that they will be at least a bit receptive to music therapy today. We have two other groups to go through - my intern will lead one completely and will do as much of the second as possible!

In another setting event, I got home to a home without power - on webinar night. I was able to start a communication chain but had to cancel because I was unsure if the power would be on at webinar time. Sigh.

At one point during my ONLY group session yesterday, there were two kids in crisis, one kid taking a break, and all sorts of situations happening. We had a new staff member in the session - don't even know the person's name - who did not appear to understand ANY of the behavior plans established for our clients, AND a tour for a prospective student came through.

I was told that the group that was so rough from me was part of a larger situation that includes all the students in that group of classes. I know that I am not the "reason" that we are struggling right now, but my emotional brain is trying to convince me that it is.

I am exemplifying one of the things that I tell my interns not to do all the time - I am internalizing things that are not my fault. In fact, I was telling my intern this exact sentence two days ago.

I can only control what I put into the music therapy session.

Why do I tend to write these things on Wednesdays?

Time to reset...

Time to practice what I preach.

It has taken me a very long time to get to a place where I remember that I can't control other people. No, seriously. I may know how to shift emotions and moods and to convince others to engage in specific musical things, but I cannot force anyone to engage in those musical things if that anyone does not want to engage. Now, I am pretty good at getting those who do not want to engage to engage a bit, but there are times when I just do not connect with clients - sometimes I never connect with a client. Is the lack of connection entirely on me? No, but I often place blame squarely on my shoulders.

I have to release these feelings of inadequacy and blame on myself. It is not healthy. So, it is time to start with my mantras. Before the last two sessions of the day, I sat in my new spot (as part of the group and not as leader because...), I took some time to listen to music that helps me relax a bit and then repeated my mantra - "Let me respond to my clients the way they are in this moment, not the way I think they SHOULD be."

This mantra helps me remember that music therapy doesn't happen in "Pretty, Perfect Pinterest World." Music therapy happens with humans who are not perfect. Music therapists are not perfect. I am not perfect. I will make poor decisions. I will not always be what my clients need, but I will do my best. When I am unable to do my best, then I will rest.

I will rest.

Time to head out of the house to the car that could not be put in the garage last night because...well, no power. The wind is going full-force. We are supposed to have an end of our current wind advisory in about 18 minutes, but that doesn't mean that the wind will die down. It just means that we think it will no longer shake the windows of my bedroom. The winter weather warning starts tonight. We might have a snow day tomorrow. We might not, but it looks like we will have a snow day tomorrow. I am hoping for a snow day, but I know that it will not make anything easier at work. After the last snow days, we had several people quit outright. I think additional snow days will exacerbate the problem, and we will have less support than we have at this moment right now. The guilt comes rushing back in about wanting to not have to go to work tomorrow while some of my co-workers have to take care of my clients, rain or snow. It is no longer my job to cover those hours, but guilt sinks in and stirs up the goblins.

Die, GOBLINS! I have to head out into this unsettled world and just do my best. That's all I can do.

By the way, I got my evaluation on Monday - that's a story for tomorrow's post but let's just say that I contested some of the scores that ended up being erroneous...It's been such a long week - and it is only Wednesday! I am getting fast food for breakfast AND for dinner today!

Egad! I have to go. Five groups today...we can do this! We can get through our times together without blame. We can! 

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