Not Doing Too Well at the Moment

A friend of mine messaged me yesterday to ask me how things were going, and I started to cry. Yesterday was one of those days where clients who used to love being in music therapy were ripping things off the walls, breaking the thermometers, and destroying things, all while trying to hurt me. Actually, it was just one client, but still, it hit me deep. We are very short-staffed at the moment, and the only staff members that were present are not ones that I know. I have no idea if they were trained in our crisis management system or not. All I know is that they did NOTHING to help me out. This happens every Tuesday, and I am exhausted by the situation. The student refuses to talk to me or to use the program that the student has agreed to use. This happens regardless of what we are doing or the sounds we are making which makes it seem personal. The student will bring in noise-cancelling headphones and then destroy them rather than wearing them. add in the fact that the student makes threats against me personally and calls me obscene names, and I am at my wit's end. Ignoring doesn't work. Addressing the behaviors of concern doesn't work. Using my musical elements is not working. I am struggling with this relationship and with my general job satisfaction at the moment.

As I walked in my front door yesterday, I missed my Bella-cat so much. Last year, on days like these, I had her to cuddle while I cried. She would be in my lap and would refuse to leave me until my crying would stop. My dad would also be able to talk me through some of these moods, and he is gone as well. I felt their absence from my life so very strongly last night and this morning.

All I see on social media are pleas for help for various situations, a new car after an accident, this fundraiser, my cousins' house that was severely damaged in a tornado last weekend, people being angry about everything, conflicting pandemic news, people who are experiencing losses similar to my own recent losses. All of these bits of news are sinking into the morass that is me. I am soaking it all in and am finding it difficult to let it go.

I am having a debate with myself about whether I should post this to my blog. It seems a bit raw, but it is extremely honest. That's the criterion for most of what I write - is it honest to my life as a music therapist? The answer for this post is that it certainly is!

So, to continue. This is one of those times when my work life is affecting my personal life significantly. I strive for a work-life balance, but I also know that there are times when things tip to one side more than others. In the recent past, my personal situations have affected my work situations, and now it seems that we are tipping the other way.

The thing is, it was only one kid out of 50 that I saw yesterday who managed to make such a difference in how I was interacting with the world. Most of the others (there were two more who had some struggles that were not entirely due to me) seemed to do well in music therapy treatment. They engaged, they were safe, they seemed to enjoy what we were doing. I focus on the ones who do not engage with me. 

Is that human nature? Is that just me? Is that what all of us in helping professions do? I don't know. 

I am not looking forward to seeing this same client today in the other music therapy session of the week. This student will probably make some sort of apology - the teacher insists on it, but the student will not mean it - and I am not ready to accept any sort of apology because the student will continue the same patterns - that's not being sorry about something that you did. It's not. I am trying to figure out how to keep other students from the torn up bulletin board strip that this student ruined. I am trying to navigate a room where there is no temperature control. I am trying to figure out how to replace some visual aids that I have had for many years that were ripped up by this client. I am still angry with the choice that the client made, that the staff members made, that I made. I am angry with myself for not being able to communicate with someone who refuses to communicate with me, and how realistic is it to hold myself to those accounts? It's not! I tell my interns all the time that we can only control 50% of any clinical encounter - and that 50% is all mine! I can only control me and how I respond to the other 50% of the interaction.

Focus on the other 47 clients that did well.

The other students deserve more from me than a therapist who has to abandon them to manage the unsafe behaviors of one student. There's that guilt again. Egad! I can't seem to break out of the guilt and shame and anger cycle right now. Maybe I should wallow in it for a bit...be mindful...allow it to come and go...and then release it!

That's the part that is the most difficult for me - the releasing part.

Start my mantra (which is lengthening into a prayer) - God, please let me be the best therapist I can be today for the clients that come before me. Support me when I falter, and help me do what they need me to do. Keep us all safe. Please, keep us all safe.

Couple that with some breathing - something that is difficult to do in allergy season - and move into the therapy day with some confidence in my years of skill development, therapeutic knowledge, and clinical experience. There were 47 students who did well yesterday. That's just as important as the 2 students who struggled and the 1 who was out-of-control, if not more important.

I'm not there yet, but I am getting a bit better. I am going to spend a bit more time at home, go and fill up the car with gasoline, eat some breakfast, and then go to work to start my therapy day. Thanks for reading...