Try, Try, Again

Oh, my goodness. It has been a week already and it is only Tuesday! I am tempted to call in for the last little bit of my personal time just so I don't have to go to work today, but it is the last little bit of my personal time, and I think I should hold onto it as much as possible. It would be three groups that I would skip, and that seems like lots of work to skip, but the call is there, especially since it is Tuesday, and that means working with THAT group.

You know the one I mean. The group that challenges every single part of my determination to be calm, cool, collected. The group members who know all of my insecurities and are determined to make me lose my cool. The ones who test me week after week, day after day, and moment after moment. The group that I cannot relax about because as soon as I settle into complacency, they flip and zig when I am expecting them to zag. 

(I just realized that I originally put in the day as Thursday - oh dear, I'm losing it already! Changed that to the actual day...)

I hate that I struggle so much with this group every single week. It is not a feeling that I like, and when I have a successful interaction with them as a group, I feel that it was luck rather than skill that led me into those successes. Again, not a feeling that I like. I prefer feeling that I am an accomplished music therapist who can music her way into and out of all sorts of client interactions and treatment opportunities without constantly stumbling. Most of the time, that's how I feel, but not with this group.

I am going to take the day.

Later...

I left this post because of feelings of guilt and remorse and trying to talk myself out of taking this day, but the day has now officially started at work, so it is too late for me! I made a car appointment to get my tires looked at because they are showing tire pressure issues that have not resolved, even after getting things filled up last week. I think something hinky is going on, so I want the tire guys to look at my tires. I think that someone monkeyed with them, but I have no proof. I have spent the four hours between my initial writing and this writing cleaning and doing chores. I have a list of things that I want to finish during this day of trying to get things put together. I finally arranged to get my groceries today, so I can check that task off the list and have some food in my house again. I also have a webinar for this evening to prepare and (possibly) my last OT appointment this afternoon. I go to my hand specialist tomorrow to see if treatment has finished. I am both thrilled at that thought and petrified that my clumsy, stiff, achy fingers will never get any better. I am not sure that my current state is good enough for me. I have some permanent drop in my tendon joint and still can't bend my distal knuckles in the way I want them to. My guitar play has been affected. To tell the truth, I am a bit petrified of being released from care.

My robot vacuum has just started his journey through my home. I am looking over my to-do list to find the next thing that has to be addressed - the recycling is on the top of the list. Off I go...