So, This Is It!

Boy, howdy, this has been quite a year!

I am sitting in the darkness and quiet of my home, looking at the glow of the Christmas lights and trying really hard not to think that I see my dear one walking down the hall to see if I've filled her food bowl yet, reflecting on the year that is almost over now. I am not holding out lots of hope that 2021 will be better, but at least 2020 will be over.

I remember how many people were stating that 2020 was going to be so much better than 2019. I have several reminders of that prediction on my social media feeds this morning from friends far and near. Everyone was looking forward to the start of the Roaring 20's, 21st Century style, and the year definitely looked like it was going to be lots of fun for me! I made all sorts of daring plans for my future and was stepping out into ways of interacting that I had never even dreamed of before. I was ready and looking forward to challenges!

Then came March 13th.

One of the bad things about having a news moratorium in everyday life is that things like a global pandemic sort of sneak up on you. I literally heard about COVID-19 in the meeting shutting us down. I had no idea that things were happening in the world of virology until then. We were getting ready for our Spring Break when we were told that all classes were cancelled and that we were shutting our day students out of the building and sheltering our residents from contact with the outside world. I went from working 9 hour days to working 4 hour days. My schedule changed to accommodate requirements from the health department to limit how many people were in our buildings at any given time. I was back to being the full-time therapist as my intern and practicum student were barred from entering the building. I had to scramble to find tasks for my intern to do as I was also scrambling to figure out how to do my job within our new reality.

Something that I have learned about myself is that I do not work well from home. I have had to do this two different ways now, and neither of them were very successful. I can complete tasks, but I do not do them with any sort of efficiency. I enjoy working with my clients, and I have missed that in person interaction very much!

I managed to keep intern #29 busy doing therapy-adjacent tasks and assignments. By the time intern #30 arrived in June, #29 was back with me as we attempted full time schedules with all students again. That lasted two weeks before we asked day students to stay home again. We continued in this pattern until August when we asked day students to come back in a highly segregated manner. Intern #29 graduated and only had to do an extra month's time to make up the hours missed. At the end of August, I was injured in an assist with a client and had to start finger healing and not playing instruments. In September, Intern #31 arrived. We had our day students until the first residential student tested positive for COVID-19 right before Thanksgiving. After that, we closed down the school and we teachers/therapists went to completely non-contact teaching methods.

This was perhaps the biggest challenge of the entire year because my principal asked me for things that my students could do in their residences. Everyone else was able to send materials and scripts and worksheet packets, but I was not able to do that. Music therapy (at least the way I prefer to practice it) does not translate well into a piece of paper. So, my interns and I started up a facility-specific YouTube channel. We have 48 original or public domain videos up on the site, and we have 6 subscribers! I don't think that many of my clients have actually accessed the site, but it has kept us busy and producing material throughout this last part of the year. 

I am thankful that I have had these experiences as they have taught me quite a bit about what I do and do not want to be doing as a music therapist. I have always known that I enjoy client interaction and the act of music therapy rather than talking about music therapy. I know that I do not do well mentally or professionally when I am just sitting and watching someone else do therapy. I yearn to be the one interacting with the client. I have remembered that I enjoy making Sesame Street type content for clients to use outside the music therapy room, but that most of that content will never be viewed by others...unless I start to share it on my personal accounts...which I can do since it belongs to me...I wonder if other people would watch these little songs and vignettes? I know that I can pivot my way of doing things quickly when forced to do so and that difficulty forces creativity. I also know that I don't like having my schedule rearranged seven times in nine months - or was it nine times?? I can't keep track anymore of the switches and pivots and new ideas that we've attempted. 

In my personal life, there have been lots of challenges as well. In March, I was not allowed to get a colonoscopy because of a low-grade fever. That has not been rescheduled, in fact, the doctor's office never even followed up on that situation. In August, as I mentioned, I broke two fingertips when assisting a client in being safe. I have not been able to play the guitar since the 24th when things just stopped working right. I have been in splints full time until last week when I was told that I was healed enough to start Occupational Therapy. I am now working on stretching those long-immobilized joints. There is pain there. My father has declined both physically and mentally after what we think was a stroke on the 30th of November. He was denied admission to the hospital at that time, so we have no way of knowing for sure what was happening, but all of his current symptoms indicate a vascular incident of some sort. He is currently in hospice care - I'm not sure what they are thinking, but he is not really improving or declining further. On Christmas Day, my cat got very sick and left me forever. 

I have spent the last week of this year trying to remember that the turning of this planet around the sun will not miraculously make everything challenging become easier. I know that COVID-19 will still be here tomorrow morning. I know that my cat will not be coming back. I know that my parents will continue to struggle with my dad's health and all that is required for maintaining comfort. I know that my siblings will try to help and that I will continue to feel guilty about not being there to assist in all the things that they are struggling with at the moment and in all the moments. These things will not go away simply because we turn the page on a calendar, but I am ready to turn that page.

I continue to have hope for better things...for things that become part of history...for the end to this pandemic for the globe...for peace and love and harmony to drown out the discord that is so prevalent right now. I hope for a time when I can leave my house without a mask.

Goodbye, 2020. Hello 2021. Let's see what you have in store for us all!