One Moment at a Time

I am struggling this morning with the return of grief. I was able to think and miss and mourn my baby for a bit without tears, but they came back as soon as I got up - I am not sure why that is. I am moving from moment to moment at this time, catching sight of one of my curls out of the corner of my eye and thinking that it is Bella coming to see what I am doing, then remembering that she is gone, and taking the time to cry about it. Most of my gifts this year were cat-related, so looking at those things bring tears. I still love cats, but mine is gone, and that hurts right now. Even though this has happened, I still go on, and there are things that need to be done that are not related to my Belle at all.

Tomorrow, I return to my Occupational Therapist to do more finger exercises. My fingers are very stiff and it hurts to bend them, but I am doing so. I am trying hard to keep to my regime of stretching them in specific ways four or five times a day, but each time is more painful. I need to take some Tylenol and then stretch them. I need to take my Tylenol before I go to OT tomorrow because she is ruthless! I know she has to be, but still, four months of immobilization leads to extremely stiff fingers. I can now type with appropriate finger placement, and my writing is getting better with each thank you letter that I write. I am working on increasing my comfort with using my left hand again.

I am getting ready to start some new training next month, and there is homework that needs to be done. I am going to be taking a continuing music therapy education course on DIR Floortime and Music Therapy led by John Carpente. We were originally supposed to do this course in October and November, but it was postponed, so I need to start watching the materials and read the articles recommended so I will be ready to engage in the course. I have been looking forward to this for months now. It will be a good thing for my 2021 word of the year - which I will reveal next week - to take this course and continue to read music therapy texts.

Speaking of, I received my Barcelona purchase last week. The books are here and sitting in a box in my hallway. I have thirteen new texts to read through and analyze within the context of my own philosophy, knowledge, and experience to enrich my music therapy practice. I know, that seems like lots, but they were only $10 each, so I went a bit overboard. My goal is to have all of them read by the end of 2021. Some are philosophical, others are theoretical, and yet others are practical for my work as a clinician. I need to unpack that box and catalog the books - maybe make a reading tracker spread for my work journal.

Right now, I am looking for tasks that offer some distraction and normalcy while still allowing for time to mourn. Since the tears will come anyway, I am letting them do so while I move around my home, throwing things away, and taking things to the dumpster. I am collecting the extra treats and food to donate to my vet's office - they will give them to animals that can use them, but I am not getting rid of some of the things that I have. I am in mourning, and I am allowing that mourning to happen. I miss my family and having someone to be here with me, but I know that others go through this. One of my friends sent me a comment that helped me process this decision. She said, "...animals give us the best days of our lives and one of the worst..." She also told me, "putting your pet's comfort ahead of yourself is the purest form of love you can give." Both of those statements have helped me process this so much.

Eventually, I will make a book all about Bella, but not yet.

Right now, I am moving through life one moment at a time.