My Goblins - Would, Coulda, and Shoulda

I am my worst critic. Can you relate to that? I think that those of us who go into being helpers often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves that lead us into patterns of criticism directed towards ourselves. My inner critic comes out in phrases that include the following words: would, could, and especially should.

I call these my goblins.

When I start using these words in regards to my work, I know that I am becoming the worst version of myself. "I should have known that so-and-so would do that." "I could have prevented that situation." "If I had been thinking, I would have realized that this was going to happen." The goblins spread from thoughts and self-talk about work into self-talk about everything. "I should be cleaning my house." "I could have done this faster if I had cleaned my house." "If I could get off my pockets, I would do all these things and be better."

Can you hear the problem in those statements? I am expecting myself to be superhuman and clairvoyant and omniscient as a person and as a therapist. I am expecting perfection in myself - not something that is actually achievable, yet I expect myself to be everything to everyone - not realistic at all.

I don't think I'm alone in this outlook. I think there are more of us "willing to accept the humanity of others more than we can accept our own" folks out there than we like to admit. 

My Shoulda Goblin - I think his name will be Argo.

My goblins tend to come out to distract me from being the best me I can be when I am in need of self-care or during music therapy conferences when I see what everyone else is doing with their music therapy careers. I've learned not to feed my goblins at conferences. I remember that I do what I do very well, and that I do not have to be like everyone else. I just need to be the most authentic me I can be. That's one of the reasons that I tell people how I actually feel when asked, "How are you today?" I have to be realistic of how I actually do feel - most often the answer is "exhausted" or "challenged." Sometimes the answer is "deep in contemplation." I find that I can stuff those goblins down with some honest responses rather than the "What I SHOULD say" responses.

I am learning (still) to keep those goblins at bay. I try to install this thought process in my interns when they are with me - we rephrase all "I should" comments to things like, "next time, I will try" comments. I try my best to listen to myself very carefully so I can be a good example of this, but I still get caught up in goblin-speak at times.

My goal for myself is to identify those times when I am most likely to engage in these types of thoughts (conference times, vacations, when I'm getting sick) and then engage in some proactive practices to combat my goblins. I like the analogy of honesty being light in nature and using that light to make my goblins shrink into the corner of my mind to get away from that honesty.

I think that's one of the reasons that I blog almost every day about things that are important to me - music, and therapy, and me (of course). I use this forum to write about things that are challenging me and things that I am working through and with in order to get my job done. It's not a perfect plan, but I hope that it is an honest one. There are times when my life is challenging. There are times when I am stuck in a routine. There are times when everything is working the way I want it to work (almost used the words "should be", but rephrased to avoid that goblin!). I think that there are fellow music therapists out there who like knowing that they are not alone in their ups and downs as members of this profession.

For those of you who don't really want to deal with the muck about me and my ups and downs, I continue to offer specific themes and topics on certain days. TME Tuesday, Thoughtful Thursdays, and Song Conversion Sundays offer a bit more consistency and give me things to talk about more for others than for myself. I do, however, still need this forum for my own processing and to keep the goblins at bay.

I am enjoying this time for self-care, good food, opportunities to think and process, and to just play around with ideas. In the next two days of time off, I am going to make some things just because. There will be no music therapy purpose for these things that I make - that's because my life is not subsumed by all things music therapy (it just feels like it sometimes). I will not be going out to shop. Ugh. Too many people in too many places during this Black Friday season. I may go out tomorrow, but probably won't. 

My time for self-care will last me for the next busy season of work, family, and holiday events. My goblins will be there, but I will combat them at every turn!