Thursday - Thinking Deeply About Emotion and Safety

I am thankful that this week is almost over.

Not because of any one thing happening, but just because I need some time away from holding the anger of clients who will not be celebrating holidays with people that they love. I need some time to shed the despair of children who do not understand why they can't go home when they want to go home. I also need to rest up for the sessions next week and the continuation of all of these feelings for the next month.

There is something humbling when you realize that you are a safe space for big emotions.

I had this realization yesterday when a client became very angry because I turned down the amplifier that was starting to crackle. This client requires very little to get angry, and the anger turns into disruption and aggression really quickly. This is the second week in a row that I was the reason for an emotional outburst while in music therapy.

I finally had the thought that music therapy is a safe space to express emotion, and that helped me frame my thinking from "why does Client hate me?" to "client feels like I can be trusted to be a safe responder to big feelings." This realization comes and goes as I am working with students. It is easier to hold onto when I have only one or two clients who are struggling, but this time of year is when things get hyper-emotional with my chosen population. There is someone who is upset in every session right now, and it will not stop until after winter break and the new year.

Right now, my job is to acknowledge these feelings (shared by almost everyone right now), work with these big emotions, and assisting my clients in expressing their feelings in ways that are conducive with their goals.

This takes a toll. It is hard to be surrounded by these big emotions all day, every day. I have to set boundaries, keep to those boundaries, and track my own emotions. There are times when it is difficult to separate what I am feeling from what others are feeling. Am I angry because I feel angry or because Client was screaming about something like a turned down volume? Is this actually my anger? Not likely. I do not tend to be an extremely angry person, so it is rare that I am angry from the inside. I tend to go towards sadness and despair rather than anger.

When I am feeling lots of things, I find that I slip into what I call my goblins - I start to make comments that include the phrases, "if I had done this, then I could have done that," or "I should have," or "I would be better if I did this." These thoughts flood my brain and shift my focus from a relationship between client and therapist to feelings of failure because I am not perfect and didn't fix the world, the client, and the situation. These thoughts perpetuate my sadness and despair and can quickly turn into periods of depression if I do not work on changing those thought patterns.

Since I have been doing this for a very long time, I have many experiences similar to the one that I went through yesterday. I know what to do when my goblins start to whisper phrases in the back of my head. Each time this happens, though, I have to remind myself of the things that I know are true. 

• I am not responsible for the feelings that my clients feel.
• Most of what they feel has absolutely nothing to do with me or with music therapy.
• They express their emotions and feelings in music therapy due to the nature of music, therapeutic environment, and relationships that we have built.
• They feel safe enough to express those feelings at and to me.
• I can be their target, but I do need to take care of myself.
• I do not share many of those emotions, and that is okay. It is okay to slough off the emotional baggage that I have taken up during sessions at the end of my day.
• The best thing I can do for my clients is to be consistent with my expectations and my requests.
• Structure is my friend. This is not a time for cutesy changes in music therapy to address the holidays. It is time for us to continue the patterns that we have established. Structure is comforting to scattered emotional beings - we know what to expect so we can relax. Let other places be where they get information, changes in schedules, and fun experiences. Music therapy sessions will follow the same patterns as any month without a huge holiday. We have selected our songs for the Holiday Sing, but we will NOT be practicing. There is no reason to do so, and it tends to make emotions about the holidays bigger. So, we do not sing carols or songs about winter in the music therapy room. We might play a bit of Winter music bingo on the last week of school, but probably not because it tends to bring up all sorts of stuff that I just do not want to absorb and have to handle. 

Tomorrow is a professional development day for me. I have a Zoom call scheduled to hear about trauma processes and adolescent brain constructs. I also have a Zoom call for Saturday to get more professional development time. I have to do some car maintenance, some organizing, and I have to cut up a large branch that got knocked down during our last wind storm. Those are tomorrow things, so they go on my list for tomorrow. That reminds me, I need to charge my saw battery...

Otherwise, it is time to head back to work for the last work day of the week. Next week has two days of sessions and then a five day weekend. December will be three full weeks of work before almost two weeks off for winter break. 

Hold the emotions that are yours. Shed the emotions that are not. Stay healthy, and do what you need to do to be safe and a safe place for your clients. 

Have a happy Thursday.