Processing Emotions by Someone Who Doesn't Like Having Emotions

I am feeling pretty good today - lots less of the hysterics that have been happening the past two days and lots more of the rational brain kicking in (so far, at least). I thank you for reading over my posts lately. I know that these emotions are not comfortable for me to have or to share, but the ability to write things down and then put them out in the world is an important part of my process in handling things that I am uncomfortable with - and sharing my feelings is one of those things that I have difficulty doing.

Isn't it strange that I have difficulty sharing my own feelings? This is literally what I encourage my clients to do all the time - share how they feel. Yet, when someone asks me, I tend to just cry. That is my emotional communication style. I cry. I always have, and I hate crying in front of other people because I always cry. I try to stuff my emotional response down as far as I can, but I also know that stuffing emotions is not healthy. It's a strange conundrum to live within, but that's my life.

So, I am going to be spending time creating things to help me process my grief and express the stressors that are happening due to the losses I've experienced lately. My mother is overwhelmed with financial worries and bills and falling trees and being alone and feeling scared about her living situation. My sister is having to spend lots of time with Mom, coordinating paperwork, finding accounts, having to navigate the Social Security system, and getting advice from every single person in her life that is well-intentioned but who is telling her what to do and she cannot disconnect from that advice. She calls me in a panic because of something that might happen with the financial trust that she insists we have to do immediately, but that we can't do immediately because it is not our trust and because it is not a reality yet. There is too much to do, and most of it has to wait until my father's death certificate comes - in SIX to EIGHT weeks. Mom doesn't know if she has any income coming in during that time period. She also doesn't want to burden me with these little details, so everything is sunny when she calls me or when my sister calls me.

I wish I was there to share the stress and the situation and the tears. I would be able to take over some of the sorting of papers and contacting people and all that.

I just had a thought - are there people out there who can help with the transition process when a spouse dies? Someone who can help navigate the paperwork, the organizations, the calendar for when to contact different parts of the process? There have to be, right? Who would we look for? What is that job title?? Probate attorney? Would they help? Is there anyone else who could do the little things??

We are unprepared for this transition, and it is showing in the stress reactions that we all have. My sister is in ultimate caregiver and protector mode. My brother is absent. My mother is angry with everything and everyone. I cry. It is not a great place to be in right now, but we will figure it out. 

I don't know when I will be able to talk about other things, but I am getting better. My hormones are starting to abate a bit, so that will help. I am trying to figure out what to do with my groups today. I am still not able to trust myself to sing and keep people engaged. Maybe we will play the drum set today. That would keep folks somewhat occupied and limit the amount of time that I have to be in a leadership role. I will do as much as I can to keep things going, but I will also have to keep myself going. It is time.