Highway to the Danger Zone

I feel perky on this Monday morning.

Over the past week, I've spent more time at home than anyplace else, thanks to a bout of possible kidney stones and definitely colitis. I finally have the diagnosis confirmed and appropriate treatment happening, so I feel pretty good right now. My body hasn't quite wakened, so there is no pain happening and my temperature isn't up too high. It's nice.

I am going to work.

This doesn't seem like much of an announcement, but I think that it will be a good thing to get out and get back into my real life routine again. This, however, is where the danger lies.

I tend to head back too much, too fast.

One of the things that happens when I start on this cycle is that I get this burst of energy and then I go full enthusiasm into whatever is in front of me. I start to get tired, but I am halfway through my something, and I just don't want to stop. So, I press on. Then, I exhaust myself, and I crash. 

I don't want to crash this time because I don't like the relapse process. I have way too much to do to be able to take more time off. I want to be healthy, so I am going to spend some time in preventative self-care and SLOW DOWN!

In my head, there are two types of self-care - preventative and responsive. Responsive self-care is the type of thing that I do when it is a bit too late, and I am tired, crabby, overwhelmed. Preventative self-care is something that I need to do more regularly, but this form of self-care is meant to help me avoid the need for responsive practices. It makes sense to put this type of self-care directly into my routines, but I struggle with that practice, for some reason.

One of my preventative self-care practices is creative exploration. I try to carve out part of my morning to make something - to paint or draw or make something out of paper. I head over to my crafting desk where my supplies wait for me. I'm not sure what I'll dabble with today, but I am feeling a tug towards watercoloring right now. Who knows what I will end up doing. The desk is a bit of a mess, so I'll probably take a bit of time to organize before I create.

The preventative self-care practice that I have to focus on today (and probably for the rest of the week) is resting before I hit the exhaustion point. This is not easy for me, but I will spend some time trying my best to sit when I need to sit and rest when I need to rest. My session strategizing will be affected by this because it is difficult to dance for three hours a day and not get tired. So, session strategizing is part of preventative self-care.

I need to come up with a session strategy that allows me to conserve my energy and still engage in meaningful, therapeutic interactions with all of my clients. We may be doing a game day today. We may do large group games or small group games. I'm going to spend most of my time trying to make these sessions things that my clients will find engaging while I can lead them from my spot on the floor. I'm not sure what those sessions will look like, but I have a list of things that I can do with limited energy output from me.

I think we don't acknowledge that there are times in the lives of every single one of us where we cannot do everything that we think "The IDEAL therapist" does as a matter of course. We get caught up in the idea of the "IDEAL" and when we don't measure up to this "IDEAL," we are disappointed in ourselves and become significantly affected by our outlook and our expectations.

I fall into this trap - especially when I am spending lots of time on Pinterest. You know how it goes, you enter a search string - "music therapy interventions" - and all sorts of wonderful videos pop up, showcasing the perfect takes of interventions. These videos have been edited and polished, and they bear little resemblance to my reality. My students do not sit quietly in a chair, waiting for the music to start. They wiggle, they scream, they joke and try to make me lose my train of thought. I lose the comparison contest from the very first second - if I compare my music therapy interactions to those that are on Pinterest.

The "IDEAL therapist" can run an interactive group therapy session while collecting frequency data on each group member, facilitating meaningful interactions with every client, and shaping the music to the group in what appears to be an effortless manner. The "IDEAL therapist" has documentation finished within 10 minutes of the end of a session. The "IDEAL therapist" never has to deal with things like wi-fi being down or a broken guitar string or missing materials because the "IDEAL therapist" has system after system after system (and unlimited time and money) to think about these things and prevent them from happening at all.

I am not that "IDEAL therapist." 

At all.

This used to bother me. I would make myself go home after conferences and memorize lots of new songs because I didn't know the repertoire for older adults that "everyone else" knew. It didn't matter to me that I have never really spent all that much time working with older adults - I HAD to know every song on every population repertoire list. I had my picture in my mind about the "IDEAL therapist," and I was not living up to my own expectations. So, I stressed out about it.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that the "IDEAL" is not possible. I can still feel those old thoughts creeping in, but they are easier to dispel these days. Here's my reality - my clients will not be harmed by a low energy session strategy. I doubt that they will even notice that I sit for most of the day...or the week. They will engage in music therapy the way they always engage, and we will do what we need to do to address their goals and objectives.

So, as a "nowhere near IDEAL therapist," I am going to work where I will compile a list of low therapist energy TMEs to use as my strategy for this week. We will address our common goals of working on impulse control, appropriate interactions with others, and communicating our wants and needs in all of these TMEs (because that is my major therapeutic focus - everything includes elements of these goals). I will gather all the materials that I need for everything on my list, and I will place those materials by my seat. If I decide that we will do some drumming, the drums will be right by my side. If I decide that we will do some emotion exploration, the visuals will also be right by my side. This will help me conserve some energy while giving me lots of treatment options for TMEs.

We will do what we need to do - preventative self-care and pre-planning session strategies - to help with my initial consideration - getting better from this last round of illness and avoiding a relapse. I will do my best to avoid the "IDEAL" trap, and I will get through this week while doing what I need to do for my clients as well as for myself.

I will NOT go into the Danger Zone. I will take the scenic route and take my time.