Medical Issues and Being a Spectator
Yesterday, a good friend of mine collapsed in the middle of a church service. This good friend is also the pastor, and he got really sweaty, somewhat disoriented, and had difficulty with his balance. He wasn't slurring his words, but he fainted once and was caught by two of the younger men of the congregation. Fortunately, there were enough of us to bully him into going to the emergency room rather than staying around to do Sunday school. He really wanted to stay for his class and for the second service. We insisted that he go.
Turns out, he has a bladder infection.
He scared me. Here was a person that I cared about who was in distress, and I was scared that he was having a stroke or a heart attack - I felt like it more stroke-like rather than heart problems. I was scared for him and for his wife.
I was confronted once about not wanting to take courses about working as a hospice music therapist. I stated that I was unable to handle the subject matter, and I was ridiculed by some people who really shouldn't have ridiculed me. I have always been unable to handle illness and hospitals and death. I know this about myself and have ensured that my contact with those things are limited.
This is something that has affected me since birth. Apparently, I really shocked my pediatrician when he was doing the baby check by lifting my head up off the examining table and watching him as he walked around me. Even then, I had a suspicion about medical settings and those who performed all things medical.
My aversion to medical settings continued through early childhood. I apparently saw a person die in the emergency room and watched a young girl with a severe concussion - all through high fevers and febrile convulsions. My behaviors at home changed to reflect what I had seen in the emergency room. Once my mother figured out what had affected me, we were able to process it and the behaviors stopped.
I hated my pediatrician. He knew it. There was this one time where I was in the midst of a high fever, convulsing, and really sick. He entered the room with a bunch of student nurses. I apparently reached out my arms and gave him a big hug. He took it, and explained to the students, "This child is REALLY sick right now. If she was in her right mind, she would NEVER touch me, let alone give me a hug!" He explained all this while patting my back and returning the hug.
I even hated the pediatrician's nurse. I saw her once in the grocery store and freaked out. My mother had to take me out of the store because I was in hysterics.
This aversion to all things medical usually leads me into a bit of panic when people that I am close to have situations. I can remain calm and do what I need to do in the moment, but I break down eventually. I cried a bit yesterday afternoon - a bit in panic, but more in relief than anything else. I heard that he was not as severely involved as I thought he was when he left in the ambulance, so I was able to relax a bit when I returned to my home. During the rest of the morning, I was busy trying to figure out what to talk about during the Children's Message and the prayers to think more and more about what was happening with my friends. Fortunately, this pastor is the type who writes out his entire sermon, so all I had to do was read that - no improvising a sermon, thank goodness!
I'm very glad that my friend will be on the mend soon. I am glad that, while he had to go through with it all, it wasn't as serious as it seemed at the time. I'm glad that he'll be back at work soon. I'm also really glad that I wasn't the only person there.
I guess what it all boils down to is my medical fears manifesting into the life of someone I care about. I am a complete ninny when it comes to my own medical issues, but when someone I care about is affected, I am a mess - away from them, but still a mess. I don't know that I would be able to be part of the lives and the deaths of clients on a regular basis. I don't think I could, so I don't put myself in that situation.
I am very happy that there are therapists who love being in hospice music therapy positions. I am also very happy that I do not have to be one of those people.
It's time to go back into the world and do the job that I do. Happy Monday. Be safe and well out there.
Turns out, he has a bladder infection.
He scared me. Here was a person that I cared about who was in distress, and I was scared that he was having a stroke or a heart attack - I felt like it more stroke-like rather than heart problems. I was scared for him and for his wife.
I was confronted once about not wanting to take courses about working as a hospice music therapist. I stated that I was unable to handle the subject matter, and I was ridiculed by some people who really shouldn't have ridiculed me. I have always been unable to handle illness and hospitals and death. I know this about myself and have ensured that my contact with those things are limited.
This is something that has affected me since birth. Apparently, I really shocked my pediatrician when he was doing the baby check by lifting my head up off the examining table and watching him as he walked around me. Even then, I had a suspicion about medical settings and those who performed all things medical.
My aversion to medical settings continued through early childhood. I apparently saw a person die in the emergency room and watched a young girl with a severe concussion - all through high fevers and febrile convulsions. My behaviors at home changed to reflect what I had seen in the emergency room. Once my mother figured out what had affected me, we were able to process it and the behaviors stopped.
I hated my pediatrician. He knew it. There was this one time where I was in the midst of a high fever, convulsing, and really sick. He entered the room with a bunch of student nurses. I apparently reached out my arms and gave him a big hug. He took it, and explained to the students, "This child is REALLY sick right now. If she was in her right mind, she would NEVER touch me, let alone give me a hug!" He explained all this while patting my back and returning the hug.
I even hated the pediatrician's nurse. I saw her once in the grocery store and freaked out. My mother had to take me out of the store because I was in hysterics.
This aversion to all things medical usually leads me into a bit of panic when people that I am close to have situations. I can remain calm and do what I need to do in the moment, but I break down eventually. I cried a bit yesterday afternoon - a bit in panic, but more in relief than anything else. I heard that he was not as severely involved as I thought he was when he left in the ambulance, so I was able to relax a bit when I returned to my home. During the rest of the morning, I was busy trying to figure out what to talk about during the Children's Message and the prayers to think more and more about what was happening with my friends. Fortunately, this pastor is the type who writes out his entire sermon, so all I had to do was read that - no improvising a sermon, thank goodness!
I'm very glad that my friend will be on the mend soon. I am glad that, while he had to go through with it all, it wasn't as serious as it seemed at the time. I'm glad that he'll be back at work soon. I'm also really glad that I wasn't the only person there.
I guess what it all boils down to is my medical fears manifesting into the life of someone I care about. I am a complete ninny when it comes to my own medical issues, but when someone I care about is affected, I am a mess - away from them, but still a mess. I don't know that I would be able to be part of the lives and the deaths of clients on a regular basis. I don't think I could, so I don't put myself in that situation.
I am very happy that there are therapists who love being in hospice music therapy positions. I am also very happy that I do not have to be one of those people.
It's time to go back into the world and do the job that I do. Happy Monday. Be safe and well out there.
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