Change Is Good - When it is My Change...
There is a major brouhaha going on over at the church where I work. Nobody can get indignant quite like church ladies - it continuously amazes me how petty people who call themselves "Christians" can be with one another, but that's an entirely different rant that I won't go into here. (That's something for my personal journal - the one that won't be opened by anyone other than me until 75 years after my death - do you have one of those??)
Anyway, this brouhaha is one that bubbles up, usually when it is time for a new pastor. I've been the director of music at this church for almost 20 years, and it happens every time we have a pastor that we love who gets ready to leave us. I think that most of the brouhaha is based in this current situation. Change is threatening, unless I am the instigator of that change.
Isn't that interesting?
I am just as guilty of this feeling and reaction as anyone else. I am not looking forward to yet another pastor coming into the church, but I tend to sublimate my feelings rather than spew them all over everything. Some of the people I work for (church ladies and music therapy clients) do not do that, but they don't spew on the people that they are upset with, they pick the ones that they know will stick around. My journals are full of how much I'll miss the current pastor and his wife - they've become very good friends of mine - but I don't talk about it with church members. That's not my role.
I digress.
Change. Change is something that I totally embrace when I am part of the thought process behind the changes. When I am not part of that process or discussion, I tend to resent people making changes for me that affect me. "No taxation without representation!" I want to be in the conversation, offering my ideas and thoughts, getting to think through the possibilities of what changes will mean to me and to my way of doing things. Very self-centered, but honest.
Involve me in the process of making change, and I will be more accepting of that change.
I think that the brouhaha (I love that word!) that others are currently in have been spurred by feelings of loss, betrayal, and hurt, but the folks involved have chosen to demonstrate those feelings through fight rather than freeze or flight (Wow. Trauma-informed care really does pervade every type of situation you can imagine...). We are fighting about things that have very little to do with the underlying feelings, but those fights are shaking things up.
One of the situations that is occurring is that the younger church members are volunteering for positions that long-time parishioners have had for many, MANY years. The older church members have stopped coming to council meetings, and positions needed to be filled. Now, the older church members are upset because they were replaced. Hurt. Anger. Betrayal. The nominating committee asked all those members if they wanted to continue, and I am guessing that the conversation went a bit like this:
CHANGE!
Well, now the parking lot sermons are starting. "They have NO idea what we've spent so many years putting into place!" "Well, the church will die without us." "Well, I won't come back until ___ leaves!"
[[Ugh - that last one is one that I've been using for myself to justify something that hasn't happened yet. I will rethink that particular response due to this post.]]
Those of us who are committed to the change have our own responses to the situation, and we have our own parking lot sermons going. "It's time for a change." "We'll make it work." "Good riddance." (That one is a bit mean, but it is happening...) "THEY won't bring us down! We'll make this work with or without them!" "We don't need them. Things have to change in order to survive!"
The folks who are staying will make their opinions known about how we are moving forward. The folks who are staying away will also make their opinions known about how we are moving forward. Those folks, however, will not be in the process of choosing a new pastor and/or figuring out what direction the church will go from now on, and that will provide more grist for the mill for opinions and hostility and disgruntled responses and on and on and on.
Solutions?
I wish I knew a solution for finding a win-win situation when it comes to changes in various settings. When humans are involved, there are lots of things that can be done, but you have to have buy-in from all parties before you can even start to engage in conflict resolution strategies.
When the conflicting parties are my clients, I have ways of navigating changes for them. I can help with the conflict resolution process. I've spent many years working with folks who immediately go into conflict rather than looking for options. With folks who are not my clients, it's a totally different story. I am the director of music - not a therapist - in my church role. I keep imagining opportunities for resolution, but it is not my role or job to do this. So, I sit back and watch what is happening, trying to figure out what I should/could do, but remaining an employee who serves rather than a fixer.
I am getting ready to make some changes in my life. The best thing about changing my life is that I am the one who makes the decisions, and I am the one who goes through the planning process - I know all the arguments and all the benefits. Change is not as scary when I am the instigator. So, it is time to make some changes. I am ready.
Happy Friday.
Anyway, this brouhaha is one that bubbles up, usually when it is time for a new pastor. I've been the director of music at this church for almost 20 years, and it happens every time we have a pastor that we love who gets ready to leave us. I think that most of the brouhaha is based in this current situation. Change is threatening, unless I am the instigator of that change.
Isn't that interesting?
I am just as guilty of this feeling and reaction as anyone else. I am not looking forward to yet another pastor coming into the church, but I tend to sublimate my feelings rather than spew them all over everything. Some of the people I work for (church ladies and music therapy clients) do not do that, but they don't spew on the people that they are upset with, they pick the ones that they know will stick around. My journals are full of how much I'll miss the current pastor and his wife - they've become very good friends of mine - but I don't talk about it with church members. That's not my role.
I digress.
Change. Change is something that I totally embrace when I am part of the thought process behind the changes. When I am not part of that process or discussion, I tend to resent people making changes for me that affect me. "No taxation without representation!" I want to be in the conversation, offering my ideas and thoughts, getting to think through the possibilities of what changes will mean to me and to my way of doing things. Very self-centered, but honest.
Involve me in the process of making change, and I will be more accepting of that change.
I think that the brouhaha (I love that word!) that others are currently in have been spurred by feelings of loss, betrayal, and hurt, but the folks involved have chosen to demonstrate those feelings through fight rather than freeze or flight (Wow. Trauma-informed care really does pervade every type of situation you can imagine...). We are fighting about things that have very little to do with the underlying feelings, but those fights are shaking things up.
One of the situations that is occurring is that the younger church members are volunteering for positions that long-time parishioners have had for many, MANY years. The older church members have stopped coming to council meetings, and positions needed to be filled. Now, the older church members are upset because they were replaced. Hurt. Anger. Betrayal. The nominating committee asked all those members if they wanted to continue, and I am guessing that the conversation went a bit like this:
- This is ___ from the Nominating Committee. I'm asking if you would like to continue to be Treasurer/Trustee/Education committee member.
- Well, only if no one else wants to do it. It does take up a lot of time, and we are involved in SO many things for the church.
- Okay. We'll be making those appointments at the Council meeting on 11/12. Please be there.
- Well, we probably won't make it.
- Okay.
CHANGE!
Well, now the parking lot sermons are starting. "They have NO idea what we've spent so many years putting into place!" "Well, the church will die without us." "Well, I won't come back until ___ leaves!"
[[Ugh - that last one is one that I've been using for myself to justify something that hasn't happened yet. I will rethink that particular response due to this post.]]
Those of us who are committed to the change have our own responses to the situation, and we have our own parking lot sermons going. "It's time for a change." "We'll make it work." "Good riddance." (That one is a bit mean, but it is happening...) "THEY won't bring us down! We'll make this work with or without them!" "We don't need them. Things have to change in order to survive!"
The folks who are staying will make their opinions known about how we are moving forward. The folks who are staying away will also make their opinions known about how we are moving forward. Those folks, however, will not be in the process of choosing a new pastor and/or figuring out what direction the church will go from now on, and that will provide more grist for the mill for opinions and hostility and disgruntled responses and on and on and on.
Solutions?
I wish I knew a solution for finding a win-win situation when it comes to changes in various settings. When humans are involved, there are lots of things that can be done, but you have to have buy-in from all parties before you can even start to engage in conflict resolution strategies.
When the conflicting parties are my clients, I have ways of navigating changes for them. I can help with the conflict resolution process. I've spent many years working with folks who immediately go into conflict rather than looking for options. With folks who are not my clients, it's a totally different story. I am the director of music - not a therapist - in my church role. I keep imagining opportunities for resolution, but it is not my role or job to do this. So, I sit back and watch what is happening, trying to figure out what I should/could do, but remaining an employee who serves rather than a fixer.
I am getting ready to make some changes in my life. The best thing about changing my life is that I am the one who makes the decisions, and I am the one who goes through the planning process - I know all the arguments and all the benefits. Change is not as scary when I am the instigator. So, it is time to make some changes. I am ready.
Happy Friday.
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