Synthesis Sunday: It Is Not My Job to Fix You

My brain and entire being has been struggling to make sense of the situations that happen here all of the time - not just the event of this week, but all of the events that have been controversial, damaging, hateful, and polarizing in my life.

On September 12, 2001, I sat in a classroom with a bunch of graduate students. We were all in shock. It was the day after 9-11, and we were distracted, mourning, and scared. The class was made up of international students - I was in the minority being a born-citizen of the US - and we took turns presenting information on special topics with curriculum and instruction. The man who was scheduled to present on September 12th was someone who was from a country in the Middle East, I believe it was Saudi Arabia, and he maintained his religious requirements for dress and observances.

I will never forget his speech.

He opted not to discuss his topic of the evening, and started to talk about the events of the past day. It was all that anyone was talking about, so it was fine as a topic of interest for us all. The talk, however, quickly offended me. Here's why.

The first part of the discussion was a monologue about how all Americans treated people of his religion in a specific manner, especially the Christians. He painted a picture of "all Americans" as racist, against people who believed in any thing other than Jesus, and against all of his people. He accused us of stereotyping everyone and told us to stop doing it. I sat in shock. He was stereotyping me as one of "those people" and doing the exact same thing that he was telling me NOT to do. 

(For the record, I am not someone who feels that people who believe things differently than I do are wrong. I feel that each person has to find their own way in life, spirituality, and friendships. I constantly strive to advocate for those who choose paths that are different from my own. My way has never been the "right" way. This is an on-going journey that gets very complicated when complex societal situations arise, but I continue to strive.)

This tends to happen quite often. We move into stereotypes because we have some experience with people, cultural expectations, and situations. It's easier to lump everyone into one fell swoop than it is to take the time to get to know each person individually. So, instead of asking someone why they moved across the street when we walked towards them, we settle them into a convenient box entitled "Scared of me because of my..." We don't take the time to find out that they moved across the street because they needed to go that direction. They looked at us, but didn't really think about our "whatever it is that we are self-conscious about" at all. They just noticed that there was no traffic on the street and wanted to move closer to their destination.

One of my struggles with discussions about race, gender, sexuality, spirituality, neurodiversity, age, etc. is that we often fall into arguments that lead to pointing fingers at the other group as needing to change their behavior without acknowledgement that our behavior also has to change.

It is not my job to "fix" someone. 

Strange to see that sentiment coming from a music therapist who attempts to assist clients towards change in their lives, isn't it? I will say it again.

It is not my job to "fix" someone.

What does this mean to me? A client comes to me with a specific goal or objective. I can help the client move towards those goals and objectives, but I cannot do this unless that client wants to do so. If you have ever tried to work with a client who was not willing to work with you, you have realized this reality. You must have cooperation from the other party in order to assist them in growing.

It is NEVER my job to make people into my views of their ideal selves.

I cannot force a person into believing as I believe. I can talk to them. I can engage in discussion and debate, but I cannot subjugate their will into my own. We revile people who have done that throughout history. When you apply force to a situation, you are no longer a therapist. You are a bully.

In these times of racial unrest, I find it difficult to balance out my beliefs and experiences with those of others. I know what discrimination is like. I've experienced it from those who have looked at my surface and made assumptions about how I would respond to various situations. I think they have often been surprised once they actually learned more about me. 

I am continuing to struggle with these thoughts and this topic, but I promise, dear readers, that it will not show up in the blog again - unless I get a breakthrough.

To sum up.

As a therapist, I am aware of the different ways we treat each other. I see it every day, in every situation, and in every interaction that I have with others. I know that I can only control what I do. I know that I am as guilty of stereotyping the behaviors of others as everyone else, but I also know that many of the behavior choices I make are not interpreted as they are intended. I cannot go into a relationship with the expectation that I will change others into my way of thinking, relating, or feeling.

I can try to talk to others, but I cannot make myself responsible for changing their minds. That is their job.

Lastly.

There is nothing wrong with what you think, feel, believe, relate. Be you, and be strong in your beliefs; but know that the other side of being authentic is that it is important to allow others to be their authentic selves as well.

Debate with me. Discuss with me. Disagree with me as much as you want. Let's agree to disagree and let our lives be the richer for experiencing each other.

Rant over?? I think so.

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