Yawning Through the Music
I am exhausted. This happens every year during the summer time. The weather gets hot and humid, and I get tired. I love summer (all the flowers, sunshine, opportunities to get into water, and all the rest of it), but I always end up not getting out to do these things. I just want to sleep.
Lots of people seem to blossom when the sun shines more. Folks with Seasonal Affective Disorder do better when the sun returns after the dark days and nights of the winter season. I don't seem to do that. I just seem to be exhausted. Some of that is due to the humid air out there. It is more difficult to breathe when the air is heavy and wet. Less oxygen to the brain increases my feelings of exhaustion. (I just looked at the Mayo Clinic's information on Seasonal Affective Disorder, and there is a version that happens in the Spring and Summer - maybe I should be thinking about that seriously instead of just blaming all of this on my asthma. Mom says that I've always had an aversion to the hot weather, even as a toddler. I forgot that, too. Hmmm...)
This exhaustion makes it into my music therapy sessions, even though I really try not to show how much it affects me during the day. Being human is rough, isn't it?
I have hit my exhaustion point right here, right now.
I am sitting here, debating with myself about all sorts of things. Am I able to breathe enough to sing? Should I take a sick day just to sleep? What would my interns do? When could I reschedule the meeting that I scheduled yesterday? Am I really trying to avoid another situation that started last week and is now just festering in my mind? Can't I stick it out today and tomorrow and then sleep during my three-day weekend?
All of these questions are being filtered by the fact that I awoke at 3:15 am this morning and am now still about 75 minutes away from being able to leave for work. I mean, I could go to work now, but that would mean three extra hours of work rather than just the one extra hour that I do daily.
I will go to work - there is so much more work to do if I decide not to go than if I just go, but the debate will continue during the commute and will probably continue tomorrow morning as well.
Anyway, I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my energy up during music therapy group sessions. I really yawn when we sing about feeling tired, but I can usually keep it together for the rest of music time. After the sessions, when I am sitting in meetings, it takes every ounce of energy that I have to pay attention to what is being said. Heaven help me if I have to actually contribute to the conversation! It just isn't going to happen. I can barely follow the conversation by that time. My energy just drains out by about 2 pm and doesn't really arrive again until 2 am. It's a crazy schedule, let me tell you!
So, what does this all mean in the long-range scheme of things?
My internal life affects my music therapy life. This fact is part of being a human being in this world of ours. I will occasionally need to put my own needs before those of my clients, but, hopefully, not often. When I know that there are situations going on in my life that affect my music therapy life, I need to address them rather than pretending that they are not present. If I pretend that those situations are not there, they magnify and affect my therapy skills more and more. It is better for me to think about the situation, try to find solutions, or accept what is going on.
UPDATE: (The next day) I did go to work and had a good day. I had a bit of anxiety going into a session that had been a bit of a problem the week before, but everything went well. I spent some time talking to my teammates about our new class formats for the fall, we sorted kids into groups, and we just engaged in a bit of information sharing. I ended up staying later than I usually do, but it was definitely worth it for the ability to talk to some people that I enjoy working with but don't see often since we have such busy schedules.
I woke up this morning at 2:45 am and started my real day at 3:30 am. I still have 3 hours and 10 minutes before I am required to be at work. I'll be leaving in about 2 hours so I can enjoy a bit of quiet time in the building before the rest of the staff and my interns arrive to start their day. Today is the last day of the work week, so I can spend some time doing a bit less out in the heat and humidity.
Lots of people seem to blossom when the sun shines more. Folks with Seasonal Affective Disorder do better when the sun returns after the dark days and nights of the winter season. I don't seem to do that. I just seem to be exhausted. Some of that is due to the humid air out there. It is more difficult to breathe when the air is heavy and wet. Less oxygen to the brain increases my feelings of exhaustion. (I just looked at the Mayo Clinic's information on Seasonal Affective Disorder, and there is a version that happens in the Spring and Summer - maybe I should be thinking about that seriously instead of just blaming all of this on my asthma. Mom says that I've always had an aversion to the hot weather, even as a toddler. I forgot that, too. Hmmm...)
This exhaustion makes it into my music therapy sessions, even though I really try not to show how much it affects me during the day. Being human is rough, isn't it?
I have hit my exhaustion point right here, right now.
I am sitting here, debating with myself about all sorts of things. Am I able to breathe enough to sing? Should I take a sick day just to sleep? What would my interns do? When could I reschedule the meeting that I scheduled yesterday? Am I really trying to avoid another situation that started last week and is now just festering in my mind? Can't I stick it out today and tomorrow and then sleep during my three-day weekend?
All of these questions are being filtered by the fact that I awoke at 3:15 am this morning and am now still about 75 minutes away from being able to leave for work. I mean, I could go to work now, but that would mean three extra hours of work rather than just the one extra hour that I do daily.
I will go to work - there is so much more work to do if I decide not to go than if I just go, but the debate will continue during the commute and will probably continue tomorrow morning as well.
Anyway, I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my energy up during music therapy group sessions. I really yawn when we sing about feeling tired, but I can usually keep it together for the rest of music time. After the sessions, when I am sitting in meetings, it takes every ounce of energy that I have to pay attention to what is being said. Heaven help me if I have to actually contribute to the conversation! It just isn't going to happen. I can barely follow the conversation by that time. My energy just drains out by about 2 pm and doesn't really arrive again until 2 am. It's a crazy schedule, let me tell you!
So, what does this all mean in the long-range scheme of things?
My internal life affects my music therapy life. This fact is part of being a human being in this world of ours. I will occasionally need to put my own needs before those of my clients, but, hopefully, not often. When I know that there are situations going on in my life that affect my music therapy life, I need to address them rather than pretending that they are not present. If I pretend that those situations are not there, they magnify and affect my therapy skills more and more. It is better for me to think about the situation, try to find solutions, or accept what is going on.
UPDATE: (The next day) I did go to work and had a good day. I had a bit of anxiety going into a session that had been a bit of a problem the week before, but everything went well. I spent some time talking to my teammates about our new class formats for the fall, we sorted kids into groups, and we just engaged in a bit of information sharing. I ended up staying later than I usually do, but it was definitely worth it for the ability to talk to some people that I enjoy working with but don't see often since we have such busy schedules.
I woke up this morning at 2:45 am and started my real day at 3:30 am. I still have 3 hours and 10 minutes before I am required to be at work. I'll be leaving in about 2 hours so I can enjoy a bit of quiet time in the building before the rest of the staff and my interns arrive to start their day. Today is the last day of the work week, so I can spend some time doing a bit less out in the heat and humidity.
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